One Disaster Less
by buddhabread
Summary: One little moment can change everything. -Outliving Extinction AU. confusion alert.-
1. Chapter 1

I don't own Transformers.

This is not meant to be read as a stand alone. It's an alternate side story of my pet project Outliving Extinction, which is a sequel to yet another story, First Impressions. If you don't feel like reading 250k words or so to get caught up, I'd say don't bother with this one. It's really intended for the people who've been enjoying OE, so let me know what you think folks.

The title is from the song The Last Thing On Your Mind by Lights, which really matches how I see Brav and Raj's relationship forming in this alternate reality business.

The first part, where it's still underwater, is a lot of cut and paste from chapter 29 of OE. I've edited or adjusted a few things, but the Megatron scene goes down very differently, plus Mirage's arrival is a little different. This is a story about how one thing going wrong can change everything, though whether or not it's for the better is up in the air.

Begins just after Megatron reprimands Skywarp for shoddy information and the Seeker heads out to warn Bravura to quit lying.

* * *

Skywarp stalked down the halls of the underwater base with every intention of going to Bravura's room to warn her about Megatron, but as he lifted his hand to touch the door pad he became aware of cold optics settling on him. He looked up to find Soundwave standing down the hall.

Skywarp stared hard at Megatron's lackey, then slowly let his hand drop and walked away. He'd try again later.

* * *

When Megatron came back I was sitting cross-legged on the berth, Artemis recharging in my lap. The Decepticon leader bent down and picked up the partially emptied cube I'd left by the door, studying it with apparent approval. He carried it with him when he came to sit on the berth.

"It's a start," he said, twisting the cube around and letting the energon swish almost to the edge each time. He finally looked up at me, looking as calm and casual as ever. "You say you're a neutral," Megatron said slowly. "And that your offspring's father was a neutral."

"Yes."

"Why did the Autobots allow you, a solitary neutral femme, to risk your life when the odds are immeasurably against you?"

"They didn't know. I made the decision to follow Starscream without thinking. By the time I got in the air the Seekers were on me and I couldn't exactly take it back."

"What experience do you have as a fighter?" His questions were making my wiring prickle, but I couldn't figure out why.

"Limited. As a friend of mine says, I'm better than your average neutral because I'm fast, but I can't hold up against a dedicated fighter."

"How did you survive the extermination?"

I paused, looking down at Artemis and trying to pass of my uncertainty as discomfort with the topic. "It was difficult."

"Do share your experiences with me."

"I laid low," I said quietly.

"That wouldn't be enough," Megatron said with some amusement in his tone. "Try again."

Looking up, I could see some of the cruelty was returning to his smile. "I don't know what you mean."

He lifted the cube somewhat, turning it still, then raised it to his lips and drained it. When he lowered it he gave it an appraising stare before enclosing it in his large hands and shattering the cube with absolutely no warning. The material shattered and the few drops of remaining energon dripped from his hand.

"Do you consider yourself lucky to be alive, Bravura?"

"Yes," I stammered, turning my body away from him slightly even as my spark thrummed furiously to Artemis.

"Fascinating," Megatron said, opening his hand and letting the broken pieces fall to the floor. "What a silly thing to lie about."

"What?"

Being in a position of leadership for so long, I've become adept at certain skills. How much do you know about Starscream, the Aerial Commander?"

"H-he's your second, but he wants to replace you" I said quietly. "He's the fastest in the command trine. He's… a snob."

"Amazing how accurate common knowledge can be," Megatron purred. "Starscream often lies to me, to try to bring about his own ends or to try to end me. I quickly became familiar with the qualities of a liar in action, my dear femme." When I didn't answer he continued. "Since we both know the truth, there's no point in playing this little game any longer. This is not your sparkling."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I protested quietly, still not daring to look up at the mech who was steadily growing more and more intimidating.

With deceptively liquid movements, like a landslide, Megatron twisted on his hip and closed his long claws around my neck, squeezing just enough to show he meant business, but so gentle that I wasn't jarred against the wall. Artemis recharged, undisturbed

"I have little patience for fools," he growled. "I want the truth out of you, and if you won't give it to me willingly I will extract it from you using this sparkling's screams. Tell me the truth."

How could he know? Could he really read me that well? Was my lying _that _bad?

"Don't hurt her," I pleaded. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know. Just not her."

"Why did you tell my Seeker it was yours?"

"Because I didn't want her to be alone. I almost died to save her once, I couldn't stand just letting them take her."

"Why did the Autobots send you?"

My face screwed up incredulously. "What? No, they didn't want me to come. Optimus wanted me to hide, but by then the Seekers were following me. He told me to surrender."

Megatron loosened his grip but didn't release me. "Prime told you to surrender?"

"I guess he was betting that you wouldn't have plans to kill me right away."

"That remains to be seen," Megatron said with that animal smile. "You're telling me the only reason you came here was to keep the sparkling company?"

"And to save Sam if I could."

"You can't save the human. Resign yourself to the fact. Those were your only reasons for coming here?"

"Yes."

His grip tightened again. "I think not."

What did he mean? How could there possibly be anything else? Why else would I chase Starscream to the Gulf? Except… to see Skywarp. But that had certainly backfired, hadn't it? Somewhere in the last couple of years he decided he didn't want me.

Megatron watched my expression change to one of dejection. "Lying will only make it worse. Just tell me the truth, and I'll blame the Autobots for sending a femme to do a mech's job in an act of cowardice."

"They didn't send me, I already told you," I whispered. "I came to… see someone."

"Who was it?" Megatron's face was just inches from mine, and the proximity of his powerful body was beyond terrifying. But I couldn't give away Skywarp. No matter that he'd forgotten he loved me. No matter. He saved me from Predaca, and I owed him that much. There was another mech it made sense for me to come here for, and that was

"Dirge," I breathed.

Megatron pulled back slightly, his mouth twisting. "Dirge."

"Yes. He… captured me. He did what… what you'd expect him to do. But he helped me, gave some advice that saved me later, and… my spark…"

"I've heard enough," Megatron said, releasing me. "You're here to visit your… rapist. I'm at a loss as to what could attract anyone to Dirge. I was so sure it would- but no matter." He stood up, stepping around the broken cube. "Lie to me again, and I'll take the sparkling. This is your only warning."

"Yes, Lord Megatron," I croaked hoarsely as he turned away and left. Even after he was gone I was having trouble containing my terror, but from underneath my own powerful emotion Hot Rod somehow forced his emotions, which I'd been ignoring, to my attention. He was all support, and with his help I managed to calm down.

"I love you, Hot Rod," I said softly. "Sorry I can't seem to keep myself out of hot water."

Only silence answered me, so I started one of Mirage's calming tutorials and listened to it, trying to distract myself from the double whammy of Skywarp's rejection and Megatron's threat.

* * *

Skywarp meant to try again, but this time on his way to her room Thundercracker called him on their trine link.

_Time to go, Warp. Megatron wants us to get the energon cells up to the moon before sundown._

_Five minutes, TC._

_ Why? What are you doing?_

_ Nothing._

_ Stay out of that room, Warp. It's a bad idea._

_ I've got to-_

_ If you go in that room I'll sell you out to Megatron myself! _Starscream burst in. _Don't give us all away, you idiot!_

_You don't understand! You've never understood!_

_You don't seem to comprehend just what will happen if Megatron discovers we left for over a year to rescue the abomination!_ Starscream was getting really worked up now.

_Please…_

_Come above with us, Warp,_ TC said gently. _She'll be ok._

He felt himself sagging, so he pulled himself together and slammed his fist into the wall. He had to tell her somehow, had to explain, but everything seemed to be working against him.

* * *

I was making a game out of Mirage's silencing lesson, getting Artemis to focus on her signature for a few seconds between other little tricks we took turns doing when the door opened. I trailed off, looking up, but there wasn't anybot there. I started to stand up, but then the door slid shut.

"Stupid," I grumbled. "Should have run…"

"We'll get to that," a familiar voice said from just a few feet away.

"Mirage?" I gasped, leaping upright. "What are you…" I reached blindly for him and he took my hands. Before I could stop myself I pressed against him, offlining my optics to reduce the strangeness of hugging solid air.

He hugged me back, and could fell his lips against my helm.

_There isn't much time. Hound is getting Sam. We decided I'd better get you, since you don't know Hound and Sam knows him better than me._

_ Good thinking. What now?_

He slowly extricated himself from my hold then pressed something the size of a grapefruit into my hand. It flickered into view as soon as he let go of it.

_This is a damn good hologram projector, so don't go giving this one away. There's a hologram of one of the Stunticons already loaded into it, just install it and turn it on. I'll take Artemis and I'll lead you up. If anybody stops you, let me take care of it._

Nodding understanding I installed the projector with shaking hands, waiting for the programming to load. Turning back to Artemis, who was sitting on the berth looking confused, I knelt and took her small hands in mine.

"Look, honey, Uncle Mirage is here. He's invisible, but he's going to protect us. Remember what I said about being brave like the Primes?" She nodded. "We have to be extra brave now. Uncle Mirage is going to carry you, and I'm going to look like a bad mech. It'll only be pretend, I'll still be me underneath. Promise not to get scared?" I felt Mirage's hand on my shoulder, and he sent me a quick _Hurry, there's not much time._ Another nod from Artemis. "Good girl. I'm gonna give you to Uncle Mirage now. You get to be invisible like him, but you have to be extra _extra_ quiet. You're good at that, so I'll know you'll do great. Are you ready? Ok…"

Artemis didn't protest when I held her up to the open air where I believed Mirage to be, nor did she make a sound of protest when she hung there in seemingly empty air before she disappeared in his arms. Satisfied, I let myself heave a sigh of relief. She'd be safe with Mirage.

"Now you. We have to _move,_ Vura." He was starting to sound nervous.

The hologram buzzed to life, the sensation somewhat different from the two lower quality projectors I'd used before. A quick glance told me that I'd been turned gunmetal gray, with a few dashes of lavender.

"Lovely," I said dryly. "Right. Get us out of here, Raj."

His hand closed on my arm. Not _my_ arm, I realized quickly, but the hologram's. This hologram was solid. Mirage must have either given me one of his work hologram or he'd been working on this for a while.

We hadn't gotten far out the door when he said, _Try to walk like you weigh more,_ he sent. _Like you're lugging a few hundred pounds of weapons systems._

_They're that heavy?_

_They can be. That's better. Left here._

_ How's Artemis?_

_ She's being very still, hanging onto me for dear life. I do believe I'll have dents._

_Good. I'll personally pop those out if we make it out of here._

_ I'm not going to forget you said that. Right and then left at the very next turn. Think heavy. Don't look around so much, you live here._

_ Much further?_

_ We'll be at the elevator in three minutes tops._

We passed a couple of mechs, but I stared furiously ahead of me to avoid looking at them. They sniggered as we passed.

_Why are they laughing?_ I asked Mirage nervously.

_You're wearing a hologram of Breakdown. He's kind of… sensitive, I guess. You're playing him well._

_ Oh, good. Any chance this guy is wandering around down here? Two Breakdowns could get fishy pretty quick._

_He should be on the continent. A lot of the groundbound troops don't like to waste the time getting lugged out here unless they need energon._

_ How do you know so much, Mirage? Come to think, how do you know your way around here so well?_

_ I'm the intel, Vura. Hound and I made sure to get comfortable with the place. How do you think I knew where to find you?_

He guided my around another corner. A couple of mechs were hanging outside a familiar looking doorway.

"Hey Breakdown, lookin' good."

I glanced at the mech who spoke and looked down quickly, quickening my pace.

"Come on, you don't mind me getting an optic full, do ya? Where ya goin', Breakdown?"

_Don't answer. Your voice isn't covered._

I rushed way down the hall as quickly as I could without running, leaving the two mechs laughing uproariously.

_How is it going with Sam?_

_Don't know. It's too risky to use comms down here with Soundwave lurking around. He could detect something, even if he can't decode it._

We walked down another hall. If it weren't for the comforting pressure on my arm, I would never know Mirage was walking next to me. His steps and movements were utterly silent.

_Megatron talked to me a lot,_ I said without knowing why.

_What did he say?_

Giving that a moment's thought, I shook my head slightly. _Nothing I want to repeat. I hate him._

_Good. Oh, no._

_What is it?_ He jerked me back several steps, away from the hall I'd nearly crossed, but not before I caught a glimpse of bird legs and broad shoulders. My spark cringed at the sight, if it was Skywarp… _Who was that?_ I asked, almost afraid to know.

_Arguably the one mech in the place who might know you're not Breakdown,_ Mirage said gravely. _We have to backtrack._

We turned around and kept moving, but a glance over my shoulder gave me a little flare of alarm. It was Dirge, and he was following slowly. Focusing in, I could see his expression was curious and determined.

_Mirage,_ I sent worriedly. _He's behind us._

A couple of seconds passed, then he cursed. _Ok, keep moving. I don't think he's getting anything from me, but chances are he's picking up Artemis. You, too?_

_ Yeah,_ I admitted unashamedly. I was scared. _Oh. Slag, he doesn't just know there are two of us!_

_ I don't follow, _Mirage said, tugging me around a corner.

_Femmes smell different to him. Or taste, or something. Different bots have different feels, Mirage._

_ And he knows how you… feel_. The last word was tinged with so much bitter hatred that I actually felt more grateful towards the Elite, if at all possible.

_ He sees Breakdown, but he feels Artemis and me. He knows, Mirage!_

_ Right. Ok… if he stops us, I'll give you Artemis and take care of it. _A file came in through his touch, a simple bare bones blue print of the base. _Hound will meet you at the elevator. Do your best not to let anybot see her._

_ Don't leave us, Raj,_ I sent, panicking. _I need your help._

"I knew it," I heard Dirge growl from down the hall.

I looked back when his footsteps started hitting the floor a little faster. He was coming, but he didn't look angry.

_Don't do anything unless you have to,_ I sent to Mirage. _He might not-_

"Megatron called me to his throne room," Dirge said when he got close. His optics raked up and down me, looking for a flaw. "You wouldn't believe what he told me. Or maybe you would."

I kept walking and shrugged. Mirage's grip on my arm was almost painfully tight.

"He told me that yo- our guest admitted to being here for me. Apparently she's so obsessed me, she simply couldn't resist."

_What is he talking about?_

_ I kind of told Megatron I came here because I wanted to see Dirge. I didn't want to risk Skywarp._

_You mean to tell me you came here to see Skywarp? Disgusting, Vura._

_ I didn't ask for your opinion, Raj. _It was bad enough that it backfired, I didn't need him to chastise me over it too.

_ Maybe you should!_

"No comment?" Dirge purred. A thrum of false fear raced up my spine. "I found it to be more than a little intriguing."

I was yanked to a hard stop when Dirge grabbed my arm, luckily not the side Mirage was on. I was almost pulled between them, but Mirage corrected and eased up.

"I know who you are," he whispered, bending low to my audial. "I'm impressed. I don't know how you pulled it off, or how you're hiding the sparkling… But truly, I'm flattered that you have such a strong attraction for me, thought I'd advise against coming here again." With that he straightened up and stalked up.

I stood there shaking until Mirage gave a gentle tug. _We have to go._

_ R-right._

We finally passed down the hall with the familiar elevator exit. I'd never gone up that elevator before. Mirage pulled me to a stop, so I leaned against the wall trying to look casual.

_We're going to wait for Hound and Sam. When we get to the surface Hound will signal Breakaway and Blaster, who will drop from orbit and land. We'll load Artemis with Blaster, since she can handle the FTL if he has to use it, and Breakaway will have Sam. If they're attacked Blaster can get Artemis to safety and come back to help Breakaway._

_ What about us? How do we get home?_

_ You trust me, right?_

_ Of course I trust you._

_ Good. I know you had that episode with being underwater a few years ago, but you'll have to try to get over it on the fly. An Autobot is waiting a few miles out to convey us to shore, but until then we're going to have to go underwater._

_ I spent a few years in space without air, water shouldn't be a big deal…_

_ Well, Hound and I have propellant equipment. You don't. If I drop you, you'll sink to the bottom and you won't be able to get up. _It was true. My engines couldn't function for more than a short burst underwater. After that they cut out._ But I won't drop you. Even if I did for some reason have to let go of you I wouldn't leave you down there._

I took a deep intake. _Good thing you need me to pop those dents out._

_ I don't trust anybody else with the job._

I could sense Mirage's nearness to me because of the way the air moved, but if I hadn't known he was there already I might not have paid attention to it. He was very close, still holding onto my arm loosely. It was comforting, but I knew we weren't safe yet.

_Will Hound be invisible too?_

_No. He's going to be a Decepticon called Rollbar. They're a similar alt mode, same size. He's going to be carrying a piece of equipment, Sam under a hologram. _

_ Think we'll get them up ok?_

_ They'll be fine. We're in more danger than they are._

It was about this time a deep and groaning alarm moaned to life. I slid against the invisible Mirage and his hand tightened. _A few more seconds._

_ Who do you think they found missing?_

_ Doesn't really matter. They'll be checking the other. _ Mirage tugged me to the elevator door, the pad to get into it lighting up under his invisible touch. _I hate saying this, but we might have to go up without them._

_ We can't leave them, Mirage._

_ It's better to save at least some. Hound and I already agreed on this._

_ I will not go without Sam._ If only to prove the only reason I was down here was for Skywarp.

_Bravura, we don't have a choice!_ He pulled me towards the waiting elevator door as it slid open, but a crackling sensation shuddered up my back and neck as the Allspark energy in my lines threw itself against his pull. I stayed put. He pulled harder, but in a quick whipping motion I twisted his grip off. "Take Artemis up. I have to find Sam. I don't have a choice."

"This is madness. I am not going to let you be their prisoner!"

"The Allspark won't let me leave without Sam," I told Mirage calmly. The energy was very much demanding that I ensure Sam's safety. Even if I didn't do anything, I had to be sure he was rescued. "I owe it for healing me. Just go up, Raj."

I heard a grinding noise, then his hand fell on my shoulder.

_I'm staying with you._

_Artemis is more important._

_ To whom exactly? _He asked. _Do you have no idea how important you are to me?_

That stopped me. I looked up where I thought Mirage's optics would be. _I don't… I'm not more important than Artemis, Mirage, _I told him gently. _I'm not very important at all._ Not enough to keep Skywarp.

_ How important you are to me happens to be up to me, and I could _not_ bear it if you had to go through what Dirge did to you again. Bravura, come up with me, _he pleaded.

My attention broke away when someone screamed, "GET IN!" from behind me. Snapping around to look, a green mech was charging up with a chunk of wiry metal in his arms. Mirage took the moment to loop an arm around my thickened mech waist and heft my up on his hip before slinging me into the elevator. He used his own bulk to force me further into the elevator just before Hound burst in behind us. An electric crackle signaled the shutdown of his hologram, and just a moment after that Mirage became visible. I followed suit with my own hologram.

Mirage handed me Artemis, who was frozen stiff with fear. As the door shut I saw several Decepticons headed for the elevators, at least one with a raised weapon, but the door slid shut and it began to lurch upwards.

It didn't get far. The lift shuddered to a halt, resulting in a grim glance between the two Autobots.

"They stopped the lift. They'll have it going back down soon. We have to blow our way out," Hound said with gusto.

"The human," Mirage reminded Hound.

"Yeah…Could he last that long?"

"No," I interrupted. "He'd die this deep, especially in as bad as shape as he looks now… But I have an idea."

In a few moments I gave Artemis back to Mirage and the mechs moved aside, giving me space as I transformed into the Tweet. I lifted my canopy so that Hound could lower Sam and then Artemis into my cockpit just as the lift began to move down again. He forcefully pushed down my canopy.

"Ow," I protested faintly. It hurt.

"Sorry," he said apologetically. "Ready?"

"Ready," Mirage and I said together.

Hound's arms transformed into weapons, while Mirage slung his rifle down to point at the same wall as Hound. The sound in the small space would have been deafening to a human, but luckily Sam was shielded in my cockpit. The inrush of water was more of a concern to me. The elevator shuddered and stopped, but the mechs were already at the hole, peeling the metal away while fighting the blast of frozen water. The waiting ocean was absolutely dark.

_Be waiting, we're coming up from the water! We've been compromised._ Hound sent on the Autobot frequency.

_We're ready,_ Blaster sent back.

Once the hole was big enough the two mechs picked me up and carried me to the opening. The flow had eased up, since the room was already more than half full with icy seawater. Hound eased out first, the thunderous growl of his propellant system breaking into the quiet open water. Mirage's followed in moments and I was hanging as dead weight in the water between them as we rushed to the surface at a ridiculous speed. I did my best to spare Sam the rapidly changing pressure, but I didn't know what exactly would help him. Hopefully the Allspark would watch over him.

The water lightened rapidly, and in what seemed like just a minute or so we breached the surface. Almost before we splashed back down the roar of two engines, one familiar and one definitely not from an Earth ship, came in loud and fast.

Mirage and Hound maneuvered to keep me level as Breakaway splashed down before me, Blaster behind. While Hound held me up Mirage pulled himself up my wing and I lifted my canopy, allowing him to pluck out Artemis and Sam. I transformed as soon as the two were clear, relying on Hound to keep me above water and taking Artemis. Mirage went to put Sam in Breakaway as Hound pulled me to Blaster, and in a matter of seconds both of them were secured in the flyers. Just in time.

Two mechs burst up out of the water, one just feet from Blaster, who rocked hard in the water. In response the two mechs burned their engines. Blaster rose immediately, Breakaway following a little more slowly. I couldn't see how Breakaway was pushing himself straight up, but it was something I'd seen Skywarp do before, once when I was human and a couple of times in the desert. More tech I didn't have. There was an audial shattering peal, and then Blaster was gone from sight.

Hound started to sink, but my Allspark drive hadn't left me yet. The two mechs who'd broken water, Thrust and Dirge, were coming in. Breakaway was going to be alone and unable to maneuver. Using Hound's body for leverage I threw myself from the water and poured the livewire energy of the Allspark into my liftoff, clearing water from my vents and transforming before the green mech could pull me back down, which he tried. I think I may have burned him a little. My presence seemed to throw the Seekers, but only for a moment. Dirge broke away from his brother to target me while Thrust continued for Breakaway.

Dirge hit me without holding back. I transformed just before he slammed into me, and when we hit the water it felt like slamming into concrete. I think he was trying to sink me, but I hung onto him for dear life, using the confusion of the swirling water to get on his back. His arms were easily long enough to grab me, but as his claws closed on me I crisscrossed my knives against his neck. He'd have to cut through his own wiring to dislodge me.

_Let me back in the air,_ I ordered icily.

_You're safer down here,_ he said in a velvet huff. _Just drop._

_I can't. Get out of the water._

_Let go._

My blades sawed gently against his wiring. _I cannot let go. Get in the air or I'll cut your lines. I won't be sorry._

_ You're asking to get killed,_ Dirge snapped, but then he started rising to the surface. We broke out of the water and I let go of his neck. He flung me away, towards the water, but using the Allspark's tremendous power I just managed to stay clear. Breakaway was struggling with Thrust high overhead, but even as I watched Blaster reappeared with a painful peal. He shot some kind of laser at Thrust and the Decepticon peeled away, though he didn't give up. Very quickly the mechs flew away at speeds I could never hope to match. Dirge didn't follow, stalking me.

_Get down here, you idiot!_ Hound sent furiously. _They'll be fine!_

He seemed to be correct, and at this point there wasn't anything I could do. Even as transformed and let myself fall into the water I felt the sustaining energy of the Allspark fading from my system. I felt strangely empty.

Mirage caught me as I sank and held me lengthways against him, streamlining our two forms as much as possible before beginning our escape underwater. Dirge didn't come after us, nor did any other Decepticon.

Climbing up onto the waiting ship, I couldn't help but feel weighed down by the water in my vents, making me painfully tired. My energy level had dropped explosively in just those few minutes of seemingly pointless activity in the air, so when Mirage and Hound climbed up behind I just stood there dumbly. Hound moved to the stern, his arms combining into what looked like a nasty missile launcher, while Mirage pulled me to the bow. He held his rifle ready to use. I sank to the deck of the ship at his feet, relief overwhelming me.

"Are you ok?" Mirage asked quietly, his optics on the skyline.

No. No, no, no. "Yeah," I muttered with equal softness.

I felt his optics on me, but I didn't look up. After a moment he looked back up. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," I said in such a hushed whisper that I wasn't sure if he'd hear. "Um… thanks, Mirage. For everything."

"Anything, anytime, Bravura."

I leaned against his legs, letting myself have the small comfort of his solid frame against me.

"Wasn't an Autobot supposed to meet us? Where is he?"

"We're on him."

"Come again?"

"He's the ship. He's one of those super-sized mechs. You don't see them anymore, they were just too big as targets. He'd normally be a smaller interstellar cargo ship, but since we needed the help getting in close to the Decepticon base he volunteered."

"Can he hear us talking about him?"

"Of course."

"Can he talk to us?"

"Yes," a deep and unusually electronic voice said from the cabin of the metal ship.

"Oh. Thanks for this, um..."

"Depthcharge," the mech offered.

"Depthcharge. Thank you."

"It was my pleasure." By his tone I sensed he might prefer to remain silent. Mirage and I decided to follow his example, so while Hound stood watch at the back and Mirage had the front I sat lightly against the Elite's legs and tried to help him keep an optic out.

* * *

Getting to shore and saying goodbye to Hound and Depthcharge passed by as little more than a haze to me. Mirage had to gently shake me from my crippling thoughts about Skywarp before I would get up, and even then I hung onto his hand like a lifeline. If I held onto Mirage, I told myself, I wouldn't think about… him.

"Are you ready to go?" the Elite asked me after Hound had peeled out and Depthcharge had pulled from the dock.

"Yeah. You go fast and I'll go slow and we should get there around the same time," I said with a weak smile.

"Ok. Hey," he said. When I didn't look at him he caught my chin on the side of his finger, lifting my face. "When you're ready to talk about what happened, I'm here. Don't go spilling to Sunstreaker before me," he joked.

I don't know what it was about the situation, but all the sudden I just lost it. I smiled, chuckled politely, but then that little noise turned into a whimper and I couldn't look at Mirage anymore. He enveloped me in a hug immediately, making soft shushing noises while I cried helplessly against his chest.

Before I actually felt any better I pushed slightly against the blue mech's chest and he released me. An old human habit made me wipe at my dry optics self consciously and turn away from Mirage, though by now my face would show no signs of crying aside from an unhappy expression.

"Let's just go home," I managed to whisper.

"Whatever you want to do," Mirage assured me. "If you need to stop and take a break just-"

"I'm fine!" I snapped, but immediately regretted it and tried to turn it around. "I'm not broken anymore, Raj."

"You look perfect," my friend said comfortingly. "You don't stand the way you used to. It's like you're daring someone to try anything on you now."

"Is that so?" I asked weakly. "Maybe that why I get in so much trouble."

"I think you just do what you think is right without thinking about it," my old teacher pointed out. I almost flinched away when he took my hand, but not quite. "Are you sure you want to fly right now?"

"I want to go home," I dodged. No, I didn't feel like flying. It was a joyful activity, and it didn't match how I felt at all. But I did badly need Hot Rod, and I was willing to do a little cross country in order to see him again. "Let's just go, Raj."

He nodded and let me go. I turned away and walked ten or fifteen feet from him before jumping into the air and transforming. When I looked back he'd transformed and was heading off the dock.

Flying home, alone with my thoughts, was pure self-inflicted misery. I couldn't stop replaying his mocking laugh, the snarled order to _stay away_…He'd made it more than clear that whatever had been between had evaporated without my knowledge. The more I thought about it, the less it made sense and the more furious I became. Why save me from Predaca if he didn't care? Why bring me here just to laugh at me?

_Because he is a Decepticon,_ my logic processor reminded me. _You were warned._

I was warned. Mirage, Hot Rod, Ratchet, Optimus, nearly every Autobot I knew had mentioned how untrustworthy a Decepticon was, and I'd believed in my own blind and stubborn way that somehow I knew better than they did.

I'd been so wrong.

In a turn so sharp my wings ached I hung a left, towards the Chihuahuan Desert.

_Fine,_ I muttered to myself. _Fine! I'll show you that it doesn't make a difference! You can't hurt me, you big bastard! I don't need you!_

_ Bravura, did you just go off course?_

I didn't answer, just increased my speed.

_Bravura. Where are you going?_

_ I'll be home soon,_ I said coldly before switching off the comm. link.

* * *

The house in the valley looked shabby now. Where love had once made it seem warm and cozy, all I saw was a rusty shack and a few stacks of rocks. Standing in the middle of the level clearing, I looked at the darkening sky. I'd believed in him so completely. Even when I didn't understand, I'd found way to trust him again. Just as I was beginning to believe in him again…

Rocks sprayed down the valley when I viciously kicked one of the piles. We'd arranged them to try and make the place look more established, but they were nothing but ugly junk. I kicked again, eliminating the evidence of that pile and moving to the next. When they were all gone I turned my wrath on the shack.

He'd forced the metal into the rock, so it took me a few tries to wrench the sheets from the valley wall. By now it was essentially night, but I could still see. I bent one of the sheets in my hand with a frustrated snarl, then hurled the huge sheet as far as I could into the valley with a scream. The others followed, but chunking Skywarp-sized pieces of metal left me feeling empty and alone.

The raw and wounded wall where the shack once rested struck me, and with a sudden illogical burst of emotion I regretted tearing it down. I stumbled down the steep and rocky valley to the closest sheet, slipping and landing on my aft and hip several tips. I lifted the sheet and tried to straighten it again, but I couldn't get it to look like it had before. The line wouldn't go away.

With increasing panic I tried again and again to straighten the sheet, but it was old metal and it was starting to weaken under the stress. One end split open, and I realized I couldn't take it back. Sinking down into the rocky dirt, I pulled the sheet into my lap and sobbed hysterically, curling my fingers into the metal so hard that it popped under my grip like a tin can.

"I can't," I cried, bowing until my forehead pressed against the sheet. "I can't do it without you, Warp. I can't."

After an hour or so I rose up from the sheet, letting it fall back down with a rippling crash. I was still incredibly raw, but I'd reach a state of stunned calm. I didn't want to call it shock, because that implied that Skywarp had that kind of power over me. I wouldn't let him.

In that artificial peace I jumped into the air and started the trip for home.

It took me until almost dawn to get home. I had to stop twice in order to calm myself down, and each time was a long process of swallowing my sorrow and replacing it with hatred. The hole in the mesa still gaped wide open, so instead of going down to the long tunnel entrance I flew into that, transforming and hitting the ground with a satisfying thump, feet first.

I almost didn't see the three small weapons trained on me before I turned to the door down, but the glow of blue optics caught my attention.

Three small bots were training their weapons on me, and I knew instantly that this was the mysterious Arcee. She'd avoided me with incredible consistency ever since I'd arrived.

"It's just me," I said calmly. "Bravura."

"I know," all three of her responded.

I stared at her, but the weapons didn't lower. "Why are you pointing those at me, then?"

"Mirage reported you behaving erratically. You're to be escorted to the repair bay for examination."

I crossed my arms over my chest, shifting my stance slightly. "I'm fine, Arcee. I just want to go and see my brother."

"I can't let you do that. Wait here until Inferno arrives to escort you."

"This is stupid!" I exploded. "I'll go to the fragging bay myself!"

The weapons hummed. "Stay right there."

Activating my comms I sent a furious message to every Autobot in range. _What the hell is going on? Why is Arcee treating me like the enemy?!_

Red Alert responded. _Because the security has been breached. You could have been exposed to any number of surveillance bugs or malicious programming._

_ But why is she pointing her guns at me?!_

_ Maybe because of your current behavior._

I seethed. He'd basically told me I was overreacting. Turning my hate filled glared on Arcee, I pointed at the center bot. "I'm going down. Shoot me if you want, but I am not the fragging enemy."

I started towards the door, but stopped short when a small plasma shot whizzed just past my face and struck the far wall. Clenching my fists, I turned to head for the hole in the mesa. She shot the air just before me again.

"What the hell?" I screeched. "Leave me the fuck alone, Arcee!" I'd never been so angry in my life, and the ridiculousness of their suspicion on top of Skywarp was just too much.

"Calm down," she ordered.

"Tell me what to do again, you little glitch," I hissed. "I'll make you a hood ornament!"

"Hey, hey," a male voice cut in. I turned my narrowed optics on Inferno, who was standing at the door with his hands raised in peace.

"Just take me to the repair bay," I snapped, stomping to and past Inferno. He paused behind me, then his heavy footsteps started keeping up with my lighter ones. When we'd gotten near the bottom of the stairs I threw up my hands in disgust. "Why did she SHOOT at me?"

"You're not acting like yourself," Inferno responded quietly from behind.

"I was prisoner in the fragging Decepticon base, anybody'd be a little stressed out," I yelled, bursting into the main hallway. A couple of soldiers scattered, cursing. Inferno apologized for me and continued close behind, keeping up with my quick march.

"Ratchet will be able to determine if that's the case or not," Inferno said. He was trying hard not to sound biased.

I could only growl at that. I was on my last nerve, and the last thing I wanted was to have them turning their military protocol on me. Maybe I shouldn't have come back.

That thought was immediately withdrawn. Where else would I go? Where would I even want to go? DC, maybe, but I wasn't really close with any of those mechs.

Maybe that would be a good thing. It would be easy to start over and pretend like… like I wasn't totally heartbroken.

* * *

Ratchet did a full exam and scan on me, clucking at all the dirt I'd managed to accumulate in the valley but repeatedly expressing general amazement at the Allspark's work. He didn't find any reason to be alarmed. Inferno reported to Red Alert, who gave him the clear to let me roam the City again. I left Ratchet with a half-hearted attempt at a polite goodbye, heading straight for Hot Rod's quarters. I felt like a violin string that might break if someone played me wrong.

He wasn't there when I opened the door, so I cursed loudly and let it shut again. He was working. I'd been ignoring him with surprising success, but as I allowed myself to feel him I confirmed that, yes, he was up, and yes, he was in the state of mind that his responsibilities as a Prime usually put him in: serious, frustrated with barely maintained patience.

I leaned against the now closed door, jamming the heel of my palm between my optics. I needed to do something, anything, to keep myself from thinking. Anything. The training room was a good option, so I went. To my relief Sideswipe and Sunny were already there getting some early morning exercise, wrestling with intense focus. I went to the edge of the training zone and watched, arms crossed over my chest.

They were fairly evenly matched. They were both fast, with the same fluid movement afforded by their wheeled feet. Sideswipe seemed a bit cleverer about his moves, but Sunstreaker had a directness that seemed to be perfectly able to keep up with his red twin. One occasionally pinned the other, but each time the brother who was losing found a way to twist away or break a grip and turn the tables. Just watching their casual practice left me dripping with envy.

Sideswipe finally caught sight of me, his optics meeting mine just as Sunstreaker rolled out from under him.

"Hey, look at- ow, hold on, I'm talking!" Sunstreaker had begun a return attack on his brother, but stopped twisting his brother's arms and followed his gaze to me.

"Oh. Heard you freaking out."

"I didn't freak out. Much," I grumbled.

"It's ok," Sideswipe said, standing up. "You had a lot going on, I guess?"

"Not really," I shrugged. "Megatron threatening me, Starscream telling me all about what they were going to do to me, and… other stuff."

Something in my tone on that last bit gave me away, and the brothers exchanged looks. "You know her better," I heard Sideswipe whisper to Sunstreaker.

"I'm not the camp counselor," Sunstreaker grumbled back.

"I can hear you," I sighed. "Don't worry, I don't have anything to cry about," Not anymore. I refused to cry over him ever again.

"Good," Sunstreaker said with approval. "Why are you down here?"

"In case you didn't notice, I'm back to being my normal self again. I wanted to get a feel for it."

Sideswipe grinned. "Wanna play with us?"

The way he said it, with a dirty little twist, left me matching his grin despite myself. "Yeah, I'll play. Just don't send me back to Ratchet."

"I'll be gentle," he purred. Sunstreaker shrugged and went to sit on the bench at the sidelines, so I moved into the arena.

"**Neutral Bravura**," the androgynous computer intoned, "**You do not have authorization to use this training program. You may remain in the training zone, but be aware that other mechs may not train while you are within the boundary lines.**"

"I didn't ask!" I grumbled.

Sideswipe chuckled. "They treat you like you're made of glass, huh. I'm surprised you waited until now to blow up at somebody."

"It was easy to be ok with it," I said dismissively. I'd talk to Prowl about fixing it later.

"Whatever. You can have the first move."

Shaking my head, I declined. My strengths were still in the defensive, no matter how much practice I'd had on Decepticon chaff.

"Ok, but you asked for it," Sideswipe said with easy confidence. One moment he was perfectly casual, the next I found myself swinging upside down. He'd kicked my feet out from under me and shoved me in the chest, caught me, and was now dangling me up by the knee with seemingly no effort.

"You should see your face," Sideswipe said with a grin. "I thought you were supposed to be fast? Devcon wouldn't shut up about you."

"It's been a while," I said, embarrassed. Sideswipe started to lower me, so I reached to the floor for support. As soon as my palms were pressed to the ground and just as he released my knee I jammed my free foot under the plating of his side, getting just enough leverage with the tip of my toe to jerk him backwards while I delivered a light, sharp jab with the tips of my fingers to the sensitive wiring of his knee.

It gave out and he tipped backwards, my weight pulling him down. Unfortunately he regained his grip on me and though I tried to escape, he landed on top of me.

"You're heavier than you look," I yelped.

"Fancy, but not very functional," Sideswipe said, getting up somewhat but keeping me pinned. In a moment he was straddling me on all fours, grinning down at me. "Hmm, that pissed off look doesn't suit you. Here, let me-"

Sideswipe started to lean down, but when his face was just inches from mine a flash of yellow wrenched him away.

"Knock it off," Sunstreaker growled, heaving his brother onto the ground next to me.

"Come on," Sideswipe protested. "Just because you won't make a move doesn't mean I can't!"

"Go frag her brother," Sunny snapped, offering me a hand. I took it, bewildered. What just happened?

"He won't have anything to do with me! Because of her!"

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. "I didn't-"

"He doesn't want to set you off by interfacing. I keep telling him you and Sunny would be _fine_ but he won't listen."

"So you don't care if it leaves us both out to dry?"

"It doesn't have to!" he exclaimed, standing. "I interface with Hot Rod, you get Sunny. What's wrong with that scenario?"

"This is ridiculous," Sunstreaker sighed.

"No, it isn't," Sideswipe corrected. "You're so busy chasing after Arcee, who wants absolutely nothing to do with you even off a berth, when you've got a perfectly good looking _normal_ femme right here! Plus, she doesn't hate you!"

"We're not like that," I protested weakly.

"But you could be," Sideswipe reasoned. "Come on, it doesn't have to be anything serious."

"You want me to sleep with your brother so you have an excuse to sleep with mine," I said in amazement. "That's just… no."

"How did we get from sparring to sexual coercion?" Sunstreaker asked, looking at the ceiling.

"You two don't even seem to realize how alike you are," Sideswipe said pleasantly.

I frowned. I didn't want to replace one stressful situation with another, I wanted to be somewhere else completely.

"I'm getting out of here," I said quickly. "See you, Sunny."

"You're such a prick sometimes, Sides," I heard Sunstreaker complain before the training room door slid shut behind me.

"But I'm so charming about-"

I headed down the hall, fists clenched. The one day I _really_ didn't need it, Sideswipe came out with something freaky like that…

"Bravura?"

Mirage stood there, and he hadn't recharged yet judging by the sag in his shoulder.

"Hey," I said stiffly.

"You're still upset. Look, it wasn't anything personal."

"She shot at me, Mirage!" I burst out. "Twice! She avoids me for a month and then when she finally does have to look at me she points all three guns at me!"

"Did she actually hit you?"

"No, but-"

"Arcee doesn't miss. If she was really trying to shoot you she would've."

"Ok, whatever, she used blobs of plasma to intimidate me! Is that better?"

"No," he said calmly. "Why are you so upset, Bravura? You're home, you're safe."

The anguish threatened to bubble up under his sympathetic gaze, but I smothered it in another wave of anger. Instead of answering I turned away from Mirage and went back the way I'd come with absolutely no clue where I was going.

"Stop, Bravura."

"No," I answered.

He trotted up behind me and put a hand of my shoulder, thought he didn't stop me. I shrugged him off, but he just put his hand back.

"You never act like this," he said. "Something happened, and I can tell you that it won't get any better until you tell somebody!"

I whirled on him, flinging off his hand and backing him against the wall. "Telling someone won't make a difference!" I hissed up at him. "It's done. It's _over_. Stop smothering me, Mirage! I don't need you to play daddy for me!"

"I'm not trying to be your father," he said with the most irritating hint of a smile.

"Whatever, Mirage. I don't care what it is you're trying to be, but you're too much right now! Just back off and let me breathe for a minute!"

"You're the one pushing me against the wall, Vura," he said gently.

Jerking away from him as if burned, I stared up at the best friend I had in the City. On the planet. He still wasn't mad at me, in fact he looked worried more than anything.

"Stop looking at me like that," I whispered, looking down. "Stop."

"Why?" He asked. "Why don't you want me to care about you when you're hurting?"

Because _he_ didn't care. If Skywarp didn't care… there was a sick part of me that would only settle for him. If Skywarp didn't care, I didn't want anyone to.

"What _happened_?" Mirage asked again.

I crossed my arms over my chest, looking down and sideways, anywhere but him. "I just finally saw the truth. I had a reality check. That's all. I'll be fine."

"If I touch you are you going to stab me?" Mirage asked seriously.

Slowly shaking my head, I let my hands fall limply to my sides. I couldn't be angry with him, not when he insisted on being so nice to me.

His fingers came up and brushed along my cheek, cupping the side of my face and gently guiding my gaze up to him.

"I know you said you trust me, but now that we're safe and you're allowed to say no if you want to… do you trust me?"

"Why wouldn't I, Raj?" I asked. "You've always been my friend."

"That's always been the word you choose," he said with the faintest bitterness. "Friend."

"Don't start," I mumbled, turning my head as if to hide my face in his hand. "Please don't."

"I've been good," he said. "I've respected your choice, I have. No matter how I feel about it. But I think I know what happened down there, and I will never do that to you."

"Do what?" I sighed. "What is it you think happened?"

"He messed up. I don't know how, but he let you down."

"Shut up," I choked, reaching up and gently pushing his hand away from me.

"I'm right," he said with certainty. "He has never been there for you. He let Starscream practically kill you. If Rodimus hadn't stepped in you would've died. He left you without explaining anything, and you've made it pretty clear that he did it to you again at some point out there."

"He saved me from the Predacons!" I added angrily.

"He hasn't tried to contact you since! And apparently he did something wrong _again_. He's not good for you, Vura. He's not _right_ for you. You're so much better than him."

"SHUT UP!" I screamed.

"He doesn't deserve your loyalty."

"And you do?" I snapped incredulously, mocking.

"At least I'm willing to earn it," he said with intensity. "Trust _me_."

"Why now?" I groaned, reaching up and clawing my fingers down either side of my helm.

"Why not? Let me get you through this."

"I don't need help," I growled, though with very little force.

"I know you don't," he murmured. "But that doesn't mean you have to do it alone."

"How exactly do you plan on helping me?" I asked, looking up at the Elite with what couldn't have been a pretty expression.

"I'm glad you asked." He smiled, a soft and gentle curl of his lips, and then he closed the gap between us, bending down and pressing his lips against mine.

Intaking sharply, I froze. His lips rubbed lightly against mine as he tilted his head, his optics on and watching me, then he pulled away, still bent so that his face was near mine.

Time seemed to stop, and we stood there, inches apart but not quite touching. I was in the process of being confused beyond repair, and he appeared to be perfectly serene.

"Let me be the one you trust," he whispered. "Let me take care of you."

His lips were against mine again, and this time my spark stirred. I was still beyond understanding how I felt about what he was doing, but there was something pleasant, safe about his hand as it slipped up and brushed my upper arm, the other just touching my waist.

It was too much. I backed out of his arms but he let me with no resistance. He straightened, his unreadable optics on me.

"If that didn't feel right, tell me now. I won't do it again."

"I don't know," I mumbled, still stunned by the effect such a chaste kiss had made on me.

"Would you let me kiss you again if I tried?"

"I, I don't-"

He moved in slowly this time, deliberately. My mouth was hanging open just a little, and this time when his lips came against mine I thought I felt the faintest brush of his glossa. His hands settled on my hips, pulling me against him. My hands lifted with what seemed to me like a mind of their own, one settling on his forearm and the other at the edge of his shoulder.

The part where I kissed him back, that was on purpose. It was just a little, a tiny tilt of my head and twitch of my lips, but it seemed to satisfy him. He pulled back, though he kept my body pressed to his.

"I won't let you down," he whispered.

Skywarp had promised something similar. He'd said he'd catch me when I fell.

Suppose Mirage made promises he never intended to keep? What would I do? What should I do?

Sagging with the weight of my indecision, I let my head fall forward until my face pressed against the crook of his neck with one weak shudder.

"You haven't recharged," he said against my helm.

"No. Neither have you."

"I'll walk you to your room."

Sighing deeply, I stepped away from the Elite who'd upended our relationship in a matter of minutes. "Ok. Thanks."

He walked next to me, not touching me. Maybe I was getting ahead of myself, but it seemed that maybe his old habit of keeping his arm around me at all times had just been due to my infirmity, and now that I was better he might trust me to keep standing on my own.

Only, he'd replace his concern for my physical state for interest in my emotional one… and I really didn't feel strong enough to say no if he tried to pick up the pieces. Maybe Hot Rod would be able to help me figure out what the hell was going on.

* * *

The main story won't go in this direction at all. Not even close. Now that I've gotten a smidgeon of raj x brav outta my system I can focus on the pro-warp story :) Review!


	2. Chapter 2

Round two. Thanks for the favs and alerts, and thanks Ayngel for reviewing XD I know this story won't be as well received as OE, but that's ok. I like writing it, and I'm gonna do whatever the heck I wanna do. It is really weird for me to switch from this angsty WAAAH writing to OE's more positive and playful, excited feel.

Anyway, review, let me know what you think kiddos. Finals are gone for now, so writing will probably pick up.

* * *

Mirage manually shut the door for Bravura. Rodimus had put it back in place, blast marks and all, but the mechanism needed some work. The femme's blank face turned away from him just before the door separated them. Judging by her reaction, he'd made a tactical, tactile error.

He'd acted too quickly, he already knew that. She was still reeling from the experience of being kidnapped, of discovering something about Skywarp that had given life to the seed of doubt she'd been carrying.

Somehow he'd imagined it going very differently. He'd rather hoped she cared about him in much the same way he cared about her, just that her loyalty to another mech was in the way. Now, he wasn't so sure. He'd thought that if he showed her how he felt it would wake up the part of her that loved him back.

Instead, she'd barely twitched her lips, and when he'd pulled away she had the most lost expression… even more than what she'd been wearing on the Depthcharge. He'd made it worse, he was almost certain.

But at least now she knew without a doubt that he wanted to be more. He'd ease off. It wouldn't be hard to impress her, after all. Not with Skywarp for competition. The Seeker might be more her type, a fellow flyer and dripping with dangerous strength, but Mirage had the benefit of knowing her better. He was more than certain that he'd spent more time with the femme than Skywarp ever had, even without knowing what had happened while she was gone.

He headed for his own quarters, pretending to ignore the mess that lined the edges of most of the halls. Someone had gone through and swept the rubble and parts to either side, but it made the place look trashy, especially where the lights had been shot out.

Something about the way she'd behaved, the way she'd walked or stared off, maybe, made him think that she was completely unaware of the state the City was in. That worried him even more. She was oblivious to everything but what immediately affected her.

Just a moment in her head… he couldn't begin to imagine how incredible that loyalty had been, if to have it betrayed broke her like that. She'd experienced the worst, Dirge's rape not the least of them, and while that was enough to ruin anyone it had taken the her belief in being betrayed to really shatter her.

Though Mirage wondered if things had played out quite the way she thought they had. She hadn't gone into details, but the officer knew that if Skywarp had been forced to interact with her in front of anyone but his own trine, he would've had to behave differently, like a stranger. Since she didn't seem ready to tell him what had gone wrong, well… it was quite possible Skywarp hadn't turned on her at all. But he wasn't about to raise the possibility to the femme. She would heal, and he would be the one to help her. If Skywarp missed his chance, all the better for the Elite.

He came to his quarters, which were undamaged. Entering and shutting the door behind him, he glanced at his empty berth. Bravura would be lying down by now, but he doubted she'd recharge for a while. Thinking about it, the imagery, brought back old memories he felt he could safely do away with.

"_Mirage, something happened while you were out," Rodimus said quietly, standing over the blue mech while nursed an energon cube in the rec. hall._

"_What was it?"_

"_They brought Bravura home."_

_Mirage put his cube down quickly, carefully, then looked up at the younger mech, controlling the emotional outburst he wanted to have._

"_She's home? Where is she? Why didn't you call me?"_

"_Ah… she's not in the best shape. Forced stasis. Remember those drugs I told you about?"_

"_Of course."_

"_Skywarp said she went through withdrawals. If we try and revive her she'll be extinguished."_

_The news stunned the Elite. She was home, safe, but… she'd die if they woke up her up? "What is Ratchet going to do?"_

"_Well… we need parts."_

_Mirage stood up, leaving his cube on the table. "I'll donate if I'm a match."_

"_It's not that simple. She needs circuitry, wires and micro-cores. I think… as soon as possible, we're going hunting."_

"_I'm in," Mirage said coldly. He could care less if it meant another mech's life to save Bravura's. "Can I see her?"_

"_Yeah, Ratchet just doesn't want anybody touching her. She… doesn't look the same."_

_Mirage started for the hall, Rodimus following. "What, did she change her alt mode?"_

"_Not just that. You'll see. But it's definitely her."_

_If Rodimus hadn't just told him that the femme on the table was Bravura he wouldn't have guessed. She was… huge. Well, only a little tall for a femme, and still much smaller than the average mech in height and bulk, but the femme he knew was only ten feet tall, practically a youngling. The bot on the table was mature._

"_I know what you're thinking, but I swear it's her," Rodimus said next to him. "We're connected."_

_Mirage moved closer, staring down at the unconscious femme. Her optics were as dim as they could get without going out altogether, and her mouth hung open just a fraction. Her slim arms, ending in delicately clawed flyer fingers, were carefully arranged on either side of her. She'd been stripped to her frame plating, but a pile of red and white plating was waiting in the corner for repurposing. It must've been huge on her._

_She was so different. The angular shape she'd taken on after her upgrade had intensified, emphasizing the swell of her chest compartment and the sweeping, narrow line to her waist. Her face… He wanted to reach out and touch the two scuffmarks, one right at her temple, the larger one covering the upper back half of her cheek. They'd been healing a while, longer than a stellar cycle._

_The innocent, childish turn of her optics remained. The way she looked there, unconscious on the table, so helpless and hurt and _stunning_ called to something in him. He hadn't realized how beautiful she was before._

Seeing her supine and damaged and vulnerable had set off a different sort of instincts than he'd expected. He'd truly cared for her safety before, would have done nearly anything to ensure it, but that emotion had leaned to something higher that day, and the days that followed. She would never know, but he spent at least an hour every day, sometimes more, with her unresponsive body, holding her limp and frighteningly cold hand when Ratchet wasn't looking.

Mirage wouldn't mess up again. She was too fragile and he'd been earning her trust for too long to mess up because of his own impatience. He'd turn things around. He just wished she hadn't looked so frightened that first time he'd kissed her.

* * *

I tried to recharge alone, curled up in a ball. Mirage left me with little more than a tired smile and a reminder that if I needed him, he'd be there for me.

I felt worse than ever. Skywarp, the one I'd loved so passionately, had finally made the situation clear, and now Mirage, the one I trusted more than anyone except my spark twin, had confused me beyond repair.

Giving up, I sat up on the edge of berth, squeezing my helm between my hands. I was so tired, but I couldn't find enough peace to rest. With a tired groan I hit the door pad and waited for it to slide open. It refused. It didn't even glow. After a confused moment I pushed at the door. It slid open fairly easily… It must be broken. Come to think of it, Dirge had ripped it out of its frame. No wonder. I left it open since there wasn't anything in there anybody shouldn't see, heading for the rec. hall. Maybe a little energon would help clear my head.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were already there, as well as Prowl, Red Alert and Inferno. Sunstreaker got up as soon as I sat down alone with a cube, as far from the others as I could get. He sat across from me empty-handed.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he said quickly, awkwardly.

"It's ok," I shrugged, sipping at my cube. "Doesn't matter."

"It does, though. Sideswipe isn't going to let up. He'll keep pressuring you."

"As long as you don't, I can handle it," I told the yellow Lamborghini. "I didn't know you were after Arcee."

"It's more about the challenge than anything."

I stared down at my cube, running a finger along its edge.

"Look, if he bothers you again just call me."

"Thanks Sunny."

He sat there, watching me for a while, then leaned across the table and took my free hand. "What's wrong?"

I watched his hand, which lay gently over mine. It was an innocent motion, it always had been with Sunny. Platonic and safe. "Nothing," I mumbled. "Nothing I can't handle, anyway." Looking up, I did my best to sound casual when I asked, "Do you think they would let me move to DC?"

"Why would you want to?" Sunny asked, caught off guard by the change of subject. "This place is designed to be a real city someday, and that's why you get so much freedom around here. There'd be red tape out the intake if you lived there. Judging by your reaction to getting told 'no' moving is a mistake."

"I think I just need a change of scenery," I told him. "Need to lighten up or something."

"It's not just Sideswipe, is it?" Sunstreaker asked slowly. "You're really hurting."

"Not you too, Sunny," I grumbled. "Just leave it alone. Please."

"Not me _too_? Who else has noticed?"

I looked up at Sunstreaker suspiciously. "Why are you so interested in my feelings? You always act like you don't give a frell about anybody."

His expression hardened. "Is that the way you'd have it, then?"

Groaning, I put my hand on top his. "No, I'm just… it's hard to talk about now, that's all. I just want to pretend it didn't happen."

It was easy to see that Sunstreaker wanted to ask, but he didn't. He just shrugged. "Ok. Still, I think you'd regret moving to DC, even for a little while."

"Thanks, Sunny," I said sincerely. Watching him shrug and go back to Sideswipe, I realized that despite the Lamborghini's advice I wanted to leave even more. Bluestreak, Blaster, Springer, Bumblebee, that Hound mech… there were plenty of nice bots to talk to, and maybe I could pretend I was ok with them until I could come back home and _really_ be ok.

Plus, there wouldn't be an Elite to complicate things. I wanted to grieve in peace, not rebound wildly off the first mech I could. Draining my cube and tossing it in the bin, I headed out with that crawly feeling that told me I was being watched. They were curious, but I didn't really care.

Hot Rod's office door had slash marks and black streaks, but still worked when I touched the pad. He looked up, his expression one of barely suppressed irritation until he saw that it was me.

"Bravura!" he gasped, leaping to his feet. "I thought I wouldn't get to see you until tonight," he said as he dashed around his desk, pausing just before he reached me. "You're filthy, honey. You might want to get a shower… Anyway!" He wrapped me in a huge hug. It was all too easy to let myself relax in his hold, our sparks dancing in our chests in a way that didn't reflect my actual state of mind. "What's wrong honey? You've been upset ever since they took you. Even after they got you out."

"Um," I stammered against him. "It… Skywarp… you were all right about him."

He held me out enough to look at me. "He turned on you?" he asked, surprised.

"What's so shocking about that?" I asked with irritation I didn't really feel. "You expected him to."

"Well… I guess. How did he do it?"

"He… laughed at me. This horrible, cruel laugh… the way he looked at me, like I was a stranger… he told me to stay away from him."

Hot Rod was listening intensely, and his concern made me more than a little grateful. DC would be tough if only because my brother wouldn't be there.

"You're taking it hard," my brother sighed, rubbing at my shoulders. "I heard you talking to Red Alert about Arcee. You probably could've handled that better, and… Where did you go last night to get so dirty? I couldn't recharge."

"The desert," I uneasily replied.

"Was he there?"

"No," I scoffed. "I tore down the shack."

"Oh," Hot Rod said thoughtfully. "So I guess… you're sure there's no going back."

"You didn't see his face," I said with finality.

"Right… Ok. It's your life, honey. I just want you to be happy. And safe," he said with emphasis.

"Speaking of being happy… Do you think anybody would object to me going to live in DC for a little while?"

Hot Rod's hands, which had been running soothingly across my shoulders, jerked to a stop. "Why would you want to leave?"

"Can we sit?" I asked nervously.

"Oh, I don't like the sound of that," he grumbled, but he sat in on of the chairs in front of his desk, turning it to face me. I did the same in the other. Without my prompting he leaned over and took my hands. "Ok."

"I… you know I'm upset about Skywarp," I said, my voice low. "Well… something, a couple somethings, I guess, just happened. First, Sideswipe tried to convince me to sleep with Sunny so that you would agree to sleep with him again."

Hot Rod sighed. "That's my fault. He wants to interface, and I just can't seem to convince him that it's not a good idea."

"Is it just the interfacing?" I asked quietly. "Do you care about him?" I paid careful attention to his mood, but he was much better at controlling himself than me.

"I respect Sideswipe," he said calmly. "When you were gone, it was hard for anybody to understand me, but he did. It might have turned into something, if not for what happened to you. After Sunstreaker came back he stopped asking for a while, but now you're back… he mentions it sometimes. I didn't think he'd go as far actually asking _you_ to do something about it."

"Well… he did. Sunstreaker wasn't interested. He would rather have Arcee, apparently."

"Odd taste," Hot Rod said with a playful grimace.

"Yeah," I said with a fake smile. "That's not why I want to leave, though."

His playful attitude melted away, but he didn't say anything. Just waited.

"Uh… Mirage saw me, and he knew something was wrong, he… well, I cried after we got off the boat. And after Sideswipe pulled his thing, Mirage found me and… figured out what happened. And then he kissed me."

Hot Rod's hands tightened around mine. "He did _what?_"

"He meant well, Rod. He did. I just… can't take it," I said, my voice locking up a little. "I want to go somewhere they don't know me that well, so I can get over it at my own pace. I don't want Mirage confusing me and making me feel guilty. He thinks I'm so helpless. Skywarp didn't, he thought I was…" I trailed off with an emotion-laden shudder. How ironic that I'd been about to say _strong._

Hot Rod leaned towards me, and I followed suit, pressing my face to his neck and trying to control myself.

"What am I gonna do, Hot Rod?" I whispered between shudders. "Can't imag-… can't imagine what I'm gonna do without him. It was always him."

Hot Rod held me despite our awkward position. "I'll talk to Mirage. If I can make him understand he's got to back off, will you stay?"

"Would they even let me go?" I asked plaintively. "Sunstreaker said they're more formal, more military there."

"They might, though you can bet old Kup would have you working you tailfins off just like the rest of them."

The idea actually appealed. I wanted physical labor, something to keep me too distracted and tired to brood.

Hot Rod shook his head at my faintly lifting mood, smiling. "You wouldn't like it, honey. It sounds like more fun than it is. Trust me."

Shrugging, I leaned away from my brother, his hands slipping back to mine.

"Just a week," I suggested. "Seven days. If they say it's ok, I'll head out tomorrow."

"Who is this 'they' exactly?" my brother asked, smiling.

"Oh… yeah, I guess you'd be able to say if I could or not. I forget, you act just like you always did…"

"It's a relief to hear that," Hot Rod said, still with that soft smile. "I worry that I'm not the same mech I was."

I stood up and bent over my brother, wrapping him in a tight hug. "You're always gonna to be the most important thing in the world to me," I whispered. "Even if being a Prime ends up turning you into a real leader after all, you're always going to be my brother, and I'll always love you."

He hugged me back, heaving a sigh. "Thanks, sister. I needed that."

It bothered me that I'd been so oblivious to his troubles, his worries. I'd been so self-centered, and yet it'd taken a personal disaster for me to see it.

"I'll contact Ultra Magnus later today," Hot Rod said against my helm. "I'll let you know what he says."

"Thanks, Rod. I appreciate it," I smiled, pulling away, my hands on his shoulders. "And when I get back, we're going to get you a couple days off and spend some real time together."

"Ok, honey. You try telling Optimus and Prowl that."

"Pssht. Optimus can't be that bad."

"He… has faith in me. It's a lot of pressure."

"I called you before the Matrix did," I grumbled. "Surely I have first dibs."

"If only. Now, I hate to rush you out of here, but I'm drowning in reports of the attack…" He rubbed the back of his helm self-consciously.

I stood up, releasing the young Prime. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you fall behind."

"No, I'm glad you came by. I was worried about you."

"I think I'll be ok," I told Hot Rod truthfully. Being in his presence, just talking to him, had released some of the grinding pain I'd been submitting myself to. I really did feel better. Honestly… my life hadn't changed all that much as from the fact that I was healthy again. Artemis and Sam were in safe hands…

"Where's Artemis?" I asked.

"With Curia. They had to move their quarters, somebody tore the room apart. That little rat, Reverb, told them exactly where to go."

"Reverb?"

"A Pretender. We're guessing Frenzy helped him get everything in order, and he came in as a Lt. Brever. It should have been obvious, but…"

"That little _gnat_ is the one responsible for the attack?! I'll kill him!"

"He got away, honey."

"I'll kill him _one day_," I corrected.

He rubbed my helm playfully, his smile reflecting his better mood. "Poke him a couple times for me."

"Will do," I said, batting the offending hand away from my head. "I'll let you work… Love you, brother. See you tonight?"

He nodded, gave me a quick kiss on the check, an "I love you, too," and I left.

My foot nudged something on the floor. Looking down, I realized it was rubble. Come to think of it, there was debris everywhere. How had I missed that?


	3. Chapter 3

If you have never had the pleasure of reading the poem "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop, you should. It's not long, but it cuts to the core, and Bravura's going to be living a little like the persona of that poem.

* * *

_Bravura,_ Devcon called on our comm. link. _Rodimus asked me to tell you that they approved your request for a temporary reassignment… I mean, relocation. And to remind him to establish a private comm. link between you before you leave tomorrow morning._

A grim smile curling my lips, I hefted the crate I'd been lugging. Red Alert had caught me wandering aimlessly and asked me to help clean up the cumulative mountain of rubble I'd only recently discovered. _Great! Thanks, Devcon._ He was still my only private comm. line. Nobody had felt the need for a direct link to me in particular, not up until now. I was kind of surprised Hot Rod and I hadn't thought to do it before. Our other connection had seemed to be enough, maybe.

_Why are you leaving?_ He seemed concerned under the usual gritty roughness of his voice.

_Just need a change,_ I said easily. It hurt to think about, no matter how much better I felt. Devcon especially wouldn't understand… or maybe that wasn't true. He had seen more than anyone how much I was willing to do for Skywarp. The hard knocks, the close calls, the near misses and the complete failures… Still, I didn't expect any sympathy from Devcon. Not that I was looking for it…

_Isn't getting fixed change enough?_

With a grumbling sigh that earned me an odd look from Jolt as he passed by, I thought up a response. _It's part of the problem. I want to feel useful._

I wanted to be so tired I'd drop with exhaustion at the end of the day. I didn't want to have time to be unhappy.

_That's not it._

Gritting my denta, I tried not to snap at the bounty hunter. He'd caught me lying long ago about my parentage, Megatron had been adept at picking up on my lies… I really needed to learn to do it better.

_Certain things have changed, and I am trying to avoid hi_- I jerked to a verbal halt and corrected myself_. Them. _

_ Him, huh? Mirage finally babied you too hard? I knew he would eventually. You're too independent for a mech like him._

Gripping the crate a little tighter, I ignored the humans who opened the city's main gates for me. They'd already gotten used to me being more mobile. They had to be adaptable in a city full of alien robots.

_Don't tell him that's why,_ I mumbled through my comm. _He'll take it hard._

_What do you care? _

_He's my friend._

_Sure. If you ask me, you can do better than some Elite. He's the one who was supposed to teach you how to be a bot, and he skipped out on reading, right? Some friend. I can think of plenty of mechs here in the city who would be more than happy to take you out._

That little detail about literacy had bothered Devcon when he'd first discovered it, and apparently he hadn't forgotten. _I could read English. It didn't seem to be important,_ I said stiffly, defending my old caretaker and ignoring that last bit about other mechs.

_Curia thinks you and the Elite are alright together,_ Devcon admitted. _She's kinda easy on bots, though._

_ She'd have to be, to end up with you._

_ If I knew where you were I'd wallop you for that one…_

_ Like to see you try. I'm like mercury, remember?_

I instantly regretted bringing that up. Devcon had gotten too close when he'd said that to me, and I'd run away… Dirge had found me as a result, Skywarp had come looking for me when I begged for help, he'd saved me twice… told me he loved me. I didn't hear Devcon's response, because I was too busy dropping the crate, spilling debris down the tunnel. My wing and shoulder slammed against the wall as I stumbled backwards, hugging myself and trying my damnedest not to cry.

_Gotta go,_ I managed to choke to Devcon before switching the comm. off completely. My legs gave out in fits and starts, but I ended up sitting on the floor of the dark tunnel, listening to the echoes of my own sobs. Nobody found me, thank Primus, and I picked up the rocks as soon as I felt able. The humans didn't comment on how long that trip took me.

Mirage found me a short time after my moment of weakness. I'd been working a couple hours. By balancing three crates at once I was trying to make my job so difficult that I couldn't think. Without saying anything Mirage took the top crate from me, then held his arm out expectantly for another.

"No," I grumbled, moving past him. He followed a few paces behind, his steps silent as ever. He ruined the illusion that he wasn't there by speaking.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he said softly.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said forcefully.

"Please, just hear me out." When I didn't refuse him, he continued. "I shouldn't have done that. I know that was too much, too fast, but… I just so badly wanted you to understand how I felt."

Turning on the blue mech, I forced him to stop short. "What about how I feel?" I asked. "If you cared about me, you wouldn't have done it. You wouldn't be bothering me now. You'd give me some space and let me figure out how I feel before you go messing with my spark!"

He winced. "No, I thought… if you realized that I was still here for you… Bravura, please don't be angry with me about this. I'll make it up to you."

For the second time that day I dropped the crates, but this time out of anger. I ripped his crate from his hand and threw it down it with the others, stabbing at his chest with one finger. I tried to make him back up, but he didn't budge and I ended up being the one to give up there.

"I don't _want_ you to make it up to me!" I snarled, unfazed. "You can't just magically fix what went wrong. It's not that easy. I like you Mirage, damn it. I love you, too, but not in the way you want me to. Slag it all, why do you have to do this now?!" I made a fist and beat the heel of it against his chest.

His fingers circled the offending hand's wrist and held it against his chest when I tried to pull away for another weak punch.

"You don't have to hit me for me to understand," he said quietly.

"I beg to differ," I growled. "It's about time somebody beat some fragging sense into you."

"Don't talk like that," he chided me. He stepped back, but he didn't let go of my wrist. "I know you're angry at me, and you're hurt, and you feel alone… but please, Bravura, don't act like I don't care about you. You know that's the farthest thing from the truth." He _did_ release me then, kneeling down to start pitching chunks of concrete back into a crate. "I just wanted to apologize. I truly am sorry."

Sighing angrily, I dropped down with him and started to help pick up the mess I'd made.

"I just don't know what you expect me to do," I said.

"Nothing you don't want to do. I just want you to do what makes you happiest."

"Good," I said, knowing my tone was confrontational and not giving a care. "I'm going to Washington D.C. tomorrow morning."

He stopped working, jerking his optics up to look at me. "What?"

"I asked for permission, and it's been approved. I'm leaving for a week."

"You did that quickly," he said with false humor. "I assume you told Hot Rod I was absolutely boorish to you."

"No," I said angrily. "I said you meant well, but it wasn't what I needed. I don't hate you, Raj, I just need some breathing room for Primus' sake!"

"You didn't seem to mind me when you were a shivering mess! Why did you keep me around, if you hated it so much?"

"That's not what I meant!" I nearly screamed. It seemed to puncture both our rising tempers, leaving me feeling childish and tired. He looked like he was experiencing a similar deflation. "I just wish you wouldn't try to force me to make a decision I'm not ready for," I pleaded to the floor. "Please, Raj."

"I never meant for you to feel like you had to make a decision," he said quietly. "I honestly thought that maybe you would return my feelings. I was wrong, but that doesn't mean I would try to force you to."

"You're not wrong, not exactly," I said, still staring at the floor, at one piece of rubble in particular. "I _do_ love you. I trust you. I just can't handle that changing right now."

"What changing? That you love me," there was distinct hope in his voice there, "or that you trust me?"

"Both," I whispered, looking up at the source of my current conflicting emotions.

Understanding seemed to dawn in his optics, and he slid closer to me through the rocks, somehow making the awkward movement graceful. He cupped my face in both hands, but he didn't get so close that I felt the need to move away.

"I will never love you and leave you," he assured me. "I will _never_ break your trust or betray you."

I was trying to decide if I'd rather hug him or scream at him again when someone cleared his vocal processors over us.

We jerked apart, looking up as one. Optimus Prime was standing there, unable to proceed because we'd managed to block up the better part of the hall.

"Sorry, sir," Mirage said quickly, standing up and taking my hand deftly to bring me up with him. "We were just cleaning up."

He looked between us, at Mirage's hand, which still held mine. I stepped away, tugging myself free of him.

"Cleanup is taking longer than expected," the Prime mused.

"There are a lot of rocks, sir," I grumbled stupidly.

"True. All the more reason to try not to get distracted."

"Yes, sir," we said, Mirage much more crisply and with much less guilt in his delivery.

He nodded and moved past us, stepping over most of the mess we'd made in one stride. Once he was gone from sight we looked at each other, and the Elite gave me an unusually crooked smile before sliding back to his knees and beginning to clean again.

I stared down at him, my spark roiling with indecision, before letting myself sink down to join him. We didn't say much after that, but it was a companionable, comfortable silence. Not enough to make me regret going to DC, but it was good to know we weren't going to part on a sour note, either.

* * *

Skywarp stared at the empty clearing that had once been the dearest place to him on the planet. He would visit when he was feeling down, which was several times a week. His brothers left him alone when they knew he was heading there and the other Seekers knew better than to try and find him when he was in a mood…

Somebody had destroyed it. The silly rock piles that he'd somehow grown to appreciate, the rickety rusting shelter where he had spent so much time with his love… Pieces of it were scattered down in the valley. He worked his way down the slope, anger giving him a calm clarity.

Bending low, the Seeker lifted the chunk of metal. It hung oddly, part of it split along an unevenly divided bend. He caught up the loose piece, cradling it gently. It was their home, and someone had destroyed it.

The little dents caught his optic, mostly because of their even placement. Someone had gripped it there, and their hands were small.

It wasn't until he started back up the slope with the sheet that he saw a footprint in the rocky sand. The sheet metal had shielded it from the wind and elements up until now. He would know those supports anywhere.

Bravura had done this. She'd ruined the rocks, bent the sheet metal until it split… she couldn't have done this when she was weak. She must have come straight home from the base and destroyed everything she could.

She must hate him now, and it killed him to know that he could have done something about it. Pulling himself together, he told himself that it wasn't too late. He would fix it somehow. She would forgive him. She had to… how could she not, when he loved her so much it hurt? He just needed to find a way to reach her, to make her see the truth. Make her see that he couldn't live without her. She had to still love him back... she had to.

* * *

Sunstreaker was using the massive showers when I went down to wash off the dirt I'd accumulated from the valley the night before and from lugging rocks all day. He nodded to me, but otherwise we gave each other space. It was a relief to know I could trust Sunstreaker to stay exactly where I expected him to be.

He was still showering when I left, meticulously removing piece after piece of his alt mode and replacing it after he'd cleaned underneath. I only washed under places that were irritating me.

As I was heading out I heard a noise of angry protest.

"You're not leaving like _that_ are you? You barely showered."

"I'm clean," I claimed defensively.

"No, you _look_ clean. You are _not_ clean. Get over here."

Sighing, I obeyed Sunny without question. "If you wanted to get me in the shower you should've just said so," I joked half-heartedly.

"I only wish stripping you to your frame could give me that kind of pleasure. As it is, I'll at least be satisfied."

"What's wrong with me?" I asked with genuine concern. "Not trying to fish for compliments, just… why do you have absolutely no interest in me?" If I could determine what kept Sunny away from me, maybe I could get to the heart of what had ruined Skywarp's interest in me. "Am I funny looking? My voice? My… my body?"

Sunstreaker stared at me, one optic ridge rising as he considered me. "Do you really care about that?" He grabbed a piece of plating on my back and worked it loose, tugging me under the stream of water he'd been using.

"Well… not exactly, I mean… I'm not really worried about if _you_ think I'm attractive. Someone else."

"Mirage?"

"No."

"Skywarp."

Nodding, I turned my face so that Sunny wouldn't be able to see it.

"That's what's eating at you? You don't know if he thinks you're pretty?"

"That's not just it," I whispered, unsure if he'd hear it over the hiss of the water. He bent down slightly to catch what I was saying. "I think he left me, Sunny."

"How come?"

"He told me to stay away from him, and he laughed at me."

"You're actually surprised?" Sunstreaker asked. "He's got his trine. Seekers aren't exactly famous for their relationships. Why would they be, when they've got the brother bond between them three of them? They say it intensifies when they all bond each other. It's supposedly nearly as strong as our twin bonds."

When I didn't answer, he sighed and reattached the rinsed plating. "It's not the end of the world."

"No, it's not," I agreed weakly. "I've gone through worse."

"It's not about what you've been through. It's who you are when you come out the other side." He removed another piece of plating and nudged me so that the water hit the open space. It was cold, but not uncomfortable. "Do you know who you are?"

"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I thought I did. It was all tied up in him. Being part of him. But not anymore."

"The only mech you need to be a part of is your brother," Sunny said with vehemence. "You don't need anybody but your twin. Sideswipe's forgotten that. You don't know it. I think Hot Rod does, at least in some form. Never take what you have with him for granted."

"Then why are you chasing Arcee?" I asked, turning to look up at him.

"She's… incredible," he said finally. "It's not like it does any harm, anyway. She won't have me."

"She's a bitch," I said incredulously.

"No she isn't," Sunstreaker corrected with irritation. "She's complicated. There's a difference."

Shrugging, I removed my wrists guards and rinsed both my frame and the plating. "I have a question."

"Shoot, already."

"Well… when I was out there, the neutrals called mechs falling for other mechs copping out. I don't know if you've noticed, but here on Earth and especially in this country a lot of people have problems with the same sex being together. How exactly do Cybertronians see it?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"The brother bonds… They're basically spark bonding. When mechs and femmes do it, they're mates, but when two mechs do it they call themselves brothers."

"Mechs can't reproduce," he said without much interest. "They're not mates if they can't make little carbon copies of themselves."

"But do Cybertronians frown on mechs who are really in love?"

"A lot of them do. But in the populated sectors where there are still Cybertronians and the femmes are almost nonexistent or hidden away, it's happening more. We saw plenty of it just policing the colonies. The mechs who came here on their own and not with Ultra Magnus might be more traditional about it, they haven't seen what it's like without the femmes."

"What about the Elites?"

"How the hell would I know, fraglet?" He slid a plate free under my wings with a little extra force, but I refused to reveal that it hurt.

"What about you?"

"I like femmes," he stated stiffly.

"And Sideswipe?"

Sunstreaker was silent. I turned myself enough to see him out of the corner of my optic. He looked irritated.

"He doesn't just want to sleep with Hot Rod because he's horny," I realized.

"Don't go reading into it," Sunstreaker warned me even as he carefully eased a small piece of plating free.

"What bothers you more, that he's looking outside of your bond for love, or that it's a mech?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

Knowing that was the best answer I was going to get, I replaced my wrist guards and started working on the plates on my chest. He continued to help me, even though I could've removed most of the plating on my own. Why did so many of the mechs who ended up getting close to me treat me like a child? Devcon, Mirage, even Sunstreaker to a small extent… Hot Rod and Butcher respected me. Skywarp had believed I was strong enough, responsible enough, to the extent that he'd left me alone to learn a trade among relative strangers.

I didn't let myself cry about it, no matter how badly I wanted to. Somehow I would prove I wasn't helpless and weak. That I could do things on my own, that I didn't always need their help.

* * *

Leaning against Hot Rod on our berth, I sighed while he plugged into my wrist and I did the same to his. I'd only done this once before, with Devcon. He initiated the recognition sequence and directed it to my comm. suite, so I accepted the program. The suites took off immediately, forming a complex and random encoding pattern that only we would have the key to.

When it was finished, he gave me a playful little shock. It was too blunt to be sensual, so I returned it and then pulled our wiring out before he could get me again, throwing myself at him and wrapping my arms around him, pretending to pin his arms to his sides.

"Oh, you got me," he chuckled, letting himself flop backwards and taking me down with him. My tiny shriek of surprise made him grin, but I yanked my arms out from under him and sat up, straddling him.

"I think I win," I said.

"You only win because I'm letting you win," Hot Rod said confidently.

"Well aren't you just the mech of the year," I giggled, gasping when he broke my grip and reached up, wrapping his arms around me and dragging me to his chest.

"Do you really want to go?" He asked, concern filling his optics and our connection.

"Yes. Yes and no, I guess." I let my head drop down until our helms clinked together. "I need the change of perspective. I want the distraction. I don't want to be away from you."

He rolled over, sandwiching me between his body and the wall. Our chests remained pressed against each other, so I had to angle my head a little to look up at him in the optic.

"Just don't let yourself get so mad you get into trouble," he advised. "I know it's tough right now with so much going wrong, but Kup won't let you have a tantrum. I should know, he pretty much raised me."

"What about your creators?"

"Died in separate and unrelated accidents. I didn't know them well at all. I barely remember them."

"You were an orphan?" I asked weakly.

"I had Kup. He took care of me, taught me what I needed to know. He doesn't always love how I turned out, but he was exactly the father I needed. I'd do anything for him."

"Is he really as tough as everybody is making him seem?"

"Probably worse."

* * *

Hot Rod got up extra early to see me off. He was the only one there aside from Arcee, who had the night shift guarding the upper entrance. I made it a point to ignore her.

"Just do what he tells you and you'll be ok. Try to stay out of trouble," the Prime pleaded, hugging me tightly.

"I'll behave," I murmured against him. "Try not to work to hard. I'll see you in a week."

"One week."

Nodding, I turned to the gaping hole in the deck's wall, gave my brother one last smile then ran for the exit and threw myself into the air, transforming and beginning my cross-country journey.

At first I did a pretty good job not thinking about Skywarp. That became increasingly difficult as the Rocky Mountains approached and nigh impossible as I flew over them. On a whim and fully aware that I was inflicting grief on myself I adjusted my course to fly over the little base Skywarp had built there.

The hangar still stood. I flew wide and lazy circles around it twice, looking for signs of activity, but nothing seemed to be happening there. I came in low and landed at the mouth of the big empty building, my optics glued to the hole that led down into the base.

"I'm beginning to think you're Seeker stock," a voice purred just behind me. I jerked and twisted, extending my knives and holding them low to either side of me as I backed away from the mech who had somehow evaded my detection.

"Dirge?" I gasped, jerking my head up to his optics where they towered over me.

"Of course. Weren't you looking for me?"

I almost shook my head, but instead I just stared at him and tried to contain my panic.

"This is a much safer rendezvous point. Good thinking, I have to say…" he started to approach me but I stumbled backwards, almost fell, my fear spiking. "You flatter me," he said, smiling. "I used to think you were afraid of fear, but now I think you get a rise out of it… It _inspires_ you just like it does me."

"I was just visiting," I whispered. "I'm expected somewhere. I can't stay."

He darted forward, snatching first one arm and then the other. I didn't bother to try and flip him, though I was fairly certain I could, the way he had to bend down to reach me. He'd just catch me again in a few moments. I couldn't run from him.

"Then we'll skip the formalities," his voice caressed my audials. He still wasn't pumping me with fear yet, but it was coming. "I know your spark wants mine just as badly as mine wants yours… especially since I found out how you yearn for me. So flattered," he repeated. "I supposed we'll make do with this hangar... Lie down."

Shaking my head, my terror began to get the better of me. "I have to go," I tried not to whimper.

_Bravura? Are you ok?_

_Dirge!_

There was a short pause, but when he came back he was deadly serious.

_Breakaway is on his way. I need coordinates._

I sent them immediately, even as Dirge forced me down to a sitting position, sliding to his knees over me. With gentle but irresistible force he placed a huge hand on my chest and pushed me flat on my back.

_Slag it all, you walked right into it! What are you doing there?!_

"My escort will be here any minute," I gasped. "There's no time. Later. We can do this later."

"Escort?" he asked, annoyance tinging the beautiful voice. "What are you doing coming here if you had someone following you?"

"I didn't know you would be here!" I burst out.

He stared down at me, then gave out a staccato, bristling sigh and leaned back. "If you're not Seeker stock, I'm a dusteater."

That distracted me from my fear. "What?"

"Next time, I'll tell you about what kind of mech makes a Seeker… show you in very thorough detail…" He bent forward over me and nipped at the plating of my neck, causing a small amount of unwelcome pain.

What did Starscream say once? Frenzy could've been a Seeker, if only he'd chosen the right upgrade…

"That's ridiculous," I hissed. "I looked for Skywarp for years and I never knew where to find him!"

"Doesn't mean you weren't locked on him. You just didn't know how to feel it." He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me to a sitting position. "I'll teach you."

"No time," I protested.

"I _know_ that," he growled. "Not now. Next time you find yourself wandering… I'll teach you."

With that he stepped away from me, leaving me there on the ground and turning away, leaping and transforming smoothly before roaring away.

When Breakaway finally arrived, I had mostly recovered, though I was still sitting on the ground. The camouflaged mech pulled me to my feet, his concerned questions answered with grunts of assent or negation until I got frustrated by his worry and backed away from him.

"Tell Hot Rod I'm fine. He ran away when I told him you were coming. He didn't touch me. Thank you for getting here so fast, Breakaway. It wouldn't have gone well if he thought you weren't coming."

"You're welcome… I think I should go with you."

"No, I'm fine. He didn't want to hurt me or capture me," I said easily. "His trine probably won't kill me if they think their brother would object. I'm below Starscream's notice, Thundercracker seems to like me. Skywarp wouldn't…" I trailed off, no longer sure about how safe I was from that particular Seeker. "I'll be fine."

* * *

_Trion, this is Neutral Bravura requesting permission to land. _I gave myself the tone of an airline pilot, trying to sound light hearted.

_ Autobot Blaster to Neutral Bravura, you have full clearance to land and enter the Trion. North side,_ the communications officer added. _Kup's going to meet you, wait at the door._ I passed over the huge Autobot ship where it took up almost the entire fork of the Potomoc River south of the White House. A metal dock was attached to the ship, linking it to dry land. It made a satisfying boom when I landed.

The huge doors opened after several minutes and the camouflage mech I knew as Kup, Hot Rod's surrogate father, stepped out, his expression already one of disdain. His blue optics landed on me and he crossed his arms, stopping and taking a wide stance.

"What do want with us, huh?" he asked without preamble.

"I want to work," I said with false confidence. "They don't want me doing anything in Autobot City. I want to be useful."

"The City was just breached. Why can't you help rebuild?"

I stared at him, unwilling to tell the truth and afraid he'd be able to tell when I lied.

"Rod's told me about you," he growled, approaching me, circling around me. I stood straight, stiff, and stared ahead. "You make stupid decisions as a matter of course. It's a rare occurrence for you to ever get anything even halfway right. What makes you think we need you here, with so many high ranking organic officials depending on us for safety?"

"I don't mind milk runs," I said quietly. "I'll do anything. I just need to be busy. Sir."

He sighed. "Lucky for you Ultra Magnus doesn't see the problem. If it were up to me… You have permission to remain here for seven days. After that, you'll hightail it straight back to the City. No getting comfortable. This is not a vacation. Understand?"

"Yes sir."

"Fine. Get in there. Blue's waiting to show you to your temporary quarters." He ground his vocal processors a bit on the word _temporary. "_I'll have your first 'milk run' ready at 1400 on the dot."

I didn't wait for him to tell me again. I slid past him and into the ship, which seemed dark after the bright daylight. While my optics adjusted I tried to get my bearings, but I didn't know the ship. Luckily, Bluestreak appeared out of the brightening darkness and gave me a quick hug and a peck on the cheek.

"When I heard you were coming to stay for a week I couldn't believe it! It's going to be great! I've been playing those games you showed me, but it's not as fun with random teammates. You are definitely my first choice in a partner."

"Why's that, Blue?" I asked, hooking my arm through his. He began leading me down the hall, seeming absolutely at ease with me. "Because you get to pick 'em off while I keep them distracted with my bullet-magnet skills?"

"Nah, you're a good sport. Some of those humans online take the game so seriously." His voice darkened a little. "They don't know what real fighting is." He looked down slightly, then jerked his chin up and grinned at me. "We'll show 'em, right Bravura?"

"Definitely," I agreed. Blue was fresh air, warm sun to me. He had no idea I was upset and he wasn't likely to push me about it even if he realized. He was exactly the sort of thing I needed right now, what I'd hoped for. Washington was starting to look like a good idea after all.


	4. Chapter 4

"Sorry, sorry!"

"Watch it, you big moron!" a tourist in a bright yellow matching jumpsuit yelled up at me before sprinting up the stairs to the Lincoln Memorial.

"Mommy, I want the big robot! Make him come home with me!"

"Him?" I grumbled. I'd been 'stationed' at the Lincoln Memorial as a guard. It was nothing like what I'd been hoping for, and I had the feeling Kup had given me the job just to make me miserable. People-watching had quickly become beyond boring, but I would be done after sundown and I could go distract myself with some company.

"It's a disgrace," a man hissed to his wife. "They shouldn't be allowed here! What's it want?"

Ignoring the man, I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not the fidget. I'd nearly backed onto people more than once by getting too relaxed.

_How you holding up, tweetheart?_ Blaster sent on a merchant frequency I hadn't seen light up since the colonized sectors.

_Just fine. Bored._

_Yeah, guard duty is a pain in the neck. You get used to it._

_ I was kind of hoping I'd be following important folks around, or making deliveries… something a little more involved._

_ That's Kup for you. He's pretty irked about your being here, but hey, once you get off you can join me and the boys for some rec. We're gonna play some soccer._

_ Soccer?_

_ It's not quite mecha-soccer, but it will be fun, promise._

_ Any particular reason it's named 'mecha' and not 'bot'?_

_ I didn't pick the name, tweety,_ he defended with a laugh. _Anyway, if you need anything I'm watching the airways and I can be there in a flash._

_ Thanks, Blaster. I doubt I'll need any help with the squishies,_ I grumbled.

"You almost ruined my Jimmy Choos!" a woman shrieked when I shifted slightly.

"I'd be more worried about your foot," I snapped down. "What are you doing?!" I'd been distracted, but I realized the woman was taking pictures with me. "Hey, no photography. Put it up!" I didn't make any threatening moves, but I did glare so fiercely that the other woman stuffed the camera away quickly.

A couple of hours before sunset, rain clouds blocked the last of the light, and within minutes the whole town was being drenched. I stayed there at the swiftly abandoned monument, though some humans sought refuge inside the building, slightly hunched. The rain didn't much bother me, it was being alone that made me feel so bereft. The extra spatter of noise from rain hitting the Reflecting Pool was not quite enough to sooth me.

For the millionth time I ran over the rejection, the laugh, the cocky stare. I was almost beyond despair as I tried to understand _why_ when I heard a tiny scraping noise behind me.

Twitching my head slightly to try and pick up the sound a little better, I made it look like I was stretching. Nothing more under the patter of rain. Heaving an exaggerated sigh, I let myself settle into a casual pose, though I was anything but. My knives were on a hair trigger, ready to be released in a flash.

Again, closer. The tiniest little scrape, the sound clashed just enough with the pounding rain for detection. I jerked to face the approaching unknown, but bright lights flashed right into my optics and I stumbled backwards, shielding my face with one arm.

"I won't tell Kup what a bad guard you are," a familiar voice joked.

"Bumblebee?" I grumped. "Ok, I get the point, stop blinding me!"

The lights cut off, and in a few moments I could make out the blue glow of his optics, a mostly familiar silhouette. On a whim I went to hug the mech, relieved that I wouldn't have to try and fight somebot.

He hugged me loosely, but I could tell by his hesitation that it was awkward for him.

"Bee?" I asked, peering up at his face. I was starting to make out details, and his happy expression seemed forced. "Are you ok?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I'm just worried about Sam."

"Oh… I… is he ok?"

"He's in a coma. Nobody can get him to wake up."

"Oh, Bee," I said sympathetically. "Was he hurt?"

"Not anything serious… He just won't wake up." His voice cracked and he looked away.

Gently taking the yellow Camaro's hand, I massaged his palm lightly. "He'll be ok, Bee. The Allspark won't let him die."

"I know… I'm just so worried… I really care about him."

"I understand." I understood more than the mech was saying. I was almost positive that Bumblebee was madly in love with Sam. Whether or not Sam returned it was another story, but that wouldn't make a difference. It must be tearing the scout up.

"I'm off…" he said finally. "So I'll just stay here with you until we go back, if that's ok." He sounded so fragile.

"Ok, Bee. I could use the company. And apparently the help." I stood next to him, folding his arm at the elbow to hold his hand, still in mine, against my chest. I doubted he wanted a full hug, but this way he would have a little support.

I lost track of time after that. It was nice to just stand there with Bee in the rain, cathartic almost. He understood pain and the weather reflected both our moods. The way the water pooled under my optics and dripped down my cheeks was a fair substitute for the tears I couldn't shed. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings, so when someone yelled at us through the run I jumped. Bee calmly turned to look, gently pulling his hand from me. A large mech was coming towards us.

"You guys late on purpose? Quit moping out here and come play!"

"We're coming, Roadbuster," Bumblebee assured.

"They're starting soon. The Protectobots are all playing tonight, so it should be a good one, but Blurr's the mech you want to watch."

"Blurr?" I asked Bumblebee.

"Fastest mech the army's ever seen," Roadbuster answered for him. "You don't ever wanna have to try and outrun him."

"Can he fly?" I asked skeptically.

"He doesn't need to," Roadbuster said with a chuckle.

* * *

"Fu-! Damn it!" I snarled into the mud. They'd made me a goalie for the Protectobot team, but I was really sucking at it.

Groove came up out of the rain and gave me a hand up, grinning. "That Blurr's giving you a rough time," he observed.

"Does he have to knock my supports out from under me every time? Isn't that a foul or something?"

"Not if he does it with the ball!" Groove laughed. "Maybe you'd be better off somewhere else. Hey, Aid!"

"Yeah?" The medic was doing a superb defense, even if he couldn't contain Blurr. "Wanna do goalie? Our guest is tired of eating mud."

"Sure." First Aid passed by me grinning, so I smiled too. It was just a game.

I saw Blurr standing at the other end of the golf course we'd commandeered just a few miles north of town. He was watching me, and I could swear he had a smug smile.

"I'll show you fast, dirtkicker," I grumbled.

"I take that personally," Streetwise said playfully as he moved past me to midfield, getting ready for the game to start up again.

"Sorry," I said. I'd have to stop using derogatory terms for groundbounders.

The mech-friendly ball we were using was a strange combination of metal and plastic, well designed to withstand the beating we were giving it. Blurr was acting as forward for the other team, Bluestreak and Bumblebee were midfielders, Blaster and Springer were fullbacks and Roadbuster was goalie. His bulk blocked up most of the goal, so the Protectobot forwards, Blades and Hot Spot, were having to get creative. Groove and I were now fullbacks.

When Blaster whistled, Blurr shot into action. His name was beyond appropriate. Mud shot up behind him as he took the ball. I burst into action knowing the racer was going to head right for me, thinking I was the weak link.

He seemed surprised when I kicked the ball away from him, but I wasn't able to get out my foot out of his way before he tripped over me. Our legs tangled and we both slammed into the mud, flipping over each other at least once before his shoulder and my chest lodged into the soft earth.

"That didn't work," I groaned.

"Real smooth," the pale blue mech growled as the game continued. We hurriedly broke apart and got up, but I could swear I saw a competitive smile twitch at the corner of his mouth. I might not be as good as him, but I was still faster than most of my team.

He consistently went for my side of the field. After a while, Streetwise switched me out and I took midfield, thinking maybe I wouldn't get in Blurr's way quite so much. Wrong. I had the whole middle of the field now, so every time Blurr entered my third I was on him. I started using my thrusters, which decreased my finer movements but allowed me to make Blurr's game more difficult. We ended up tangling in the mud more than once, but Blurr didn't complain after that first time.

When I actually succeeded in stealing the ball and kicking it to Blades, the racer seemed to smile, though it wasn't a friendly one. After that the blue mech was nigh impossible to catch. Apparently he'd been taking it easy before. I became little more than a small speed bump in midfield and turned my attention to getting in Blue and Bee's way, but the Protectobots seemed to have it well under control. Our team hit ten points first, no thanks to me, and that seemed to be the stopping point.

Bluestreak came charging out of the rain, which had lightened to a fuzzy cold mist, and lifted me up, spinning me two full turns before setting me back into the shredded grassy mud.

"You were amazing! I had no idea you could move like that!"

"I didn't manage to stop Blurr, though," I said shyly, backing away when my supports squelched back into the mud and rubbing the back of my helm.

"So? Nobody stops Blurr, but you came close! You tripped him, which is better than I can do on foot!"

"Thanks, Blue," I mumbled.

"Yeah, Bluestreak, why not tell her she's got eyes the color of plasma and exoskin like freshly buffed opals?" A derisive voice asked behind me. I looked, and Blurr was standing there looking rather irked.

"What's wrong with telling her she's good at something?" Blue asked as if this had happened before. "She deserves it, she caught you a couple times-"

"I let her!" Blurr snapped. His optics turned on me. "You might _think _you're fast, but you could never beat me."

"Not on the ground," I growled, my suppressed anger rising to the bait. "But I could _fly_ circles around you, dusteater. No matter how fast you run, you're still nothing but a hunk of junk on wheels!"

"Hey, break it up!" Springer appeared out of the mist coming between us, though we hadn't made any moves to start an actual fight. "Let it go, both of you. It's not worth it."

"He started it," I mumbled to Blue, who patted my shoulder soothingly.

_He gets that way sometimes, especially if someone comes close to his specialty. He's not a bad mech, just has to have a clear lead on everyone._

I snorted, but smiled despite my anger. Bluestreak smiled in relief, then tugged me after the other mechs, who were departing the wreckage of the golf course.

"Humans aren't gonna like this," I commented at the mud field.

"They don't use it anymore. They pretty much gave it to us for this kind of thing, out of gratitude or something. Pretty nice of them, it really helps us unwind every now and then. Did you have fun?"

I nodded as Blaster dropped back from the others and began to keep pace with us.

"Not bad, tweetheart."

"Would you please not call me that?" I pleaded half-heartedly.

"Yeah, Blaster, don't make fun of her alt mode."

"You know?" I asked, feigning despair.

"Yeah," he said with a laugh. "Bumblebee and I figured it out. Don't worry, I won't make fun of you like Blaster."

"All in fun!" the comm. officer chuckled.

I flew over the mechs as they wound their way back to the Trion. I experimentally buzzed over Blurr a few times, but he didn't even swerve. Put out, I settled for playing a weaving game with Bluestreak.

When we reached the Trion everyone jumped into the muddy river. It wasn't clean, but it was better than we all looked. I splashed in from the air, forgetting that I couldn't swim and sinking to the bottom of the river like a stone. Instead of asking for help I tried slogging my way along the bottom to the surface, but I was disoriented.

_Uh, everything ok?_ Blaster asked after a few minutes.

_No… I'm lost,_ I admitted grudgingly, allowing my signature to show. In a minute or so a mech appeared out of the darkness and hauled me to the surface. As soon as we broke into air he started laughing uproariously.

"Thanks, Blades," I grumbled.

He just nodded indulgently, turning his propellant equipment to the shore until I could stand with my head above water. The other mechs were laughing to, Blurr especially enjoying himself.

Blue and Bee seemed to catch on to how embarrassed I was, because they started messing around, wrestling playfully in the water and turning the attention away from me.

Eventually Bumblebee won, though it seemed more that Blue didn't care to drag it out than anything. The others started climbing back out of the water and filing into the Trion, until it was just me, Blue, Bee and Springer standing on the bank.

"If it's ok with you guys, I want to talk to Bravura," Springer said casually. The two mechs exchanged looks with each other and with me, then gave me waves and goodbyes before heading up to the ship as well.

"Want to go sit on the ship? It feels more private," he said quietly.

"Uh… ok," I said, nervousness beginning to itch at me. What did he want to talk about?

We both flew up to the ship, him transforming into a hulking helicopter before rising up to follow me. He sat on a ridge on the ship, patting the space next to him. I sat just outside his reach, which was considerable as he was a pretty big mech.

"I spoke to Rodimus about your spat with Blurr," he said quietly.

He probably didn't miss my irritated glance before I diverted it to the sky.

"It was nothing, really," I said with as much ease as possible, considering my state of mind.

"He told me why you came here."

My hands balled into fists and I hunched over my knees. "I was hoping he wouldn't do that."

"It's ok, we're practically brothers… might have brother bonded, even, if he hadn't left the Trion to go looking for the Allspark so long ago. He trusts me, and I'd trust him with my life."

I waited for him to go on, but it took a while. He stared out at the city, the rain nothing but a fog now, making the capitol city into an orange glow with the sounds of police cars and horns for background music.

"If you want this to help you, being here… it won't help if you pick fights. Kup will just slap restrictions on you, might even send you back early."

"I didn't have a fight with Blurr!" I grunted.

"You wanted to, I could see it. You're angry, but you're just using that as a defense."

Sighing, I hunched over even more, almost bending double into my lap. "So?"

"You're my good friend's sister. I feel kind of… responsible for you. I just want you to know that you've got a friend here who knows what's going on."

"Thanks, Springer," I sighed, even though I'd rather not have known. I wanted emotional anonymity.

"It's nothing. You and Blurr would probably get along, if you'd give him a chance."

I shrugged, so the helicopter stood up. "I'm turning in. The ship's been programmed to recognize you, so you shouldn't have any trouble getting in. Blaster will be recharging, but Streetwise is listening if you need anything."

Nodding, I mumbled a good night, which my brother's friend returned before walking along the ship and leaping down to the metal dock below.

"Way to ruin my vacation, brother."

* * *

The next day was spent washing the Trion's hull. I had to haul huge buckets of special soapy water, scrub, rinse with clean water, then buff the whole thing. By the end of the day I'd barely gotten half of it done, and Kup criticized me ferociously.

"You call this clean? I can't see myself in this wax job. What have you been doing all day, collecting dust? Do it all again tomorrow, and I want to see results, slag it!"

I didn't complain, just followed him into the Trion like a sulking child. I was on the way to my quarters, my feelings stinging from the harsh judgment, when I caught sight of Blurr. He was standing straight up, shoulders back proudly… sharp contrast to my hunch, my arms crossed over my chest. His optic met mine, and I reflexively let my arms hang loose, drawing myself to my full height.

_I'm a flyer,_ I told myself. _I'm better than him. He's just a fancy groundbound lugnut._

He smirked at my change of posture, but I just glared back, my expression only darkening as he approached me.

"Still mad?" he asked, one optic ridge rising and only adding to his cocky smile.

"Not at you," I grumbled. "I spent the whole slagging day cleaning the ship and Kup says I have to redo what I did tomorrow."

"That's Kup. It's more about his attitude towards you, and not your actual work. He does that, you learn to get on his good side."

"Thanks," I grumbled, starting to move on past him.

"Hey," he said, grabbing my wrist. "Come to the training room with me."

I stared down at his hand as if I might somehow shoot lasers out my optics if I tried hard enough. He let go.

"Why?"

"I think I can help your style. Someone who relies on speed like you has to have finesse, and while I think you've got the idea, you don't know how to implement it."

Looking up at the blue mech, I decided he wasn't teasing or setting me up. He seemed sincere to me, so I nodded cautiously and followed him when he turned to head towards the training room.

Another mech I'd never seen before was already there. He was built light, like Blurr and I were, with a mostly white paintjob. He was facing off an appalling number of holographic enemies, but in the first few seconds he dispatched at least three with a massive loose blade. It surprised me to see that it wasn't attached to him, but an actual accessory.

Blurr moved on into the training perimeter, gesturing for me to follow him. The ship accepted me into the program without a fuss, a relief after the City's overcautious system.

I let myself get into the rhythm of fighting without thinking about Blurr or the other mech. It felt good to stab something, even if it disappeared under me upon a fatal blow. It even felt good to get hit, made me want to fight harder. This was the distraction I'd been looking for… no time to think about what was missing from my life.

I'd taken a particularly nasty spill when Blurr appeared over me, offering me a hand. I took it reluctantly.

"Stay with me," he said quietly. "Trust me for a little while, and I'll show you what you're doing wrong."

"Ok?" I said curiously. My unspoken question was answered when a hologram turned on us. Blurr moved behind me, layering his wider frame behind mine and trying to guide my motions.

"Trust me," he mumbled into my audial. My cooling system, which was already working hard from my exertion, began to do double time. There was something very sexual about our position, and yet when I relaxed he guided me with the cold calculations of a killer.

He didn't jerk through the moves like did. It was smooth, rhythmic like my walking kata. He moved quickly, but since all I had to do was move my body as he moved his I was able to really feel the moves as we made them. Everything was sweeping, liquid, graceful, a dance so unlike my comparative flurry. And it worked. By calming down, the enemy seemed that much slower, clumsier.

After we 'killed' three that way, he released me. The strangest pang of regret rattled through me, but I tried not to let it show, looking back at the Autobot.

"You try it now," he said, crossing his arms loosely.

It was harder without his controlling frame around mine, but it was an improvement. He clucked when I began to move too rigidly and I corrected, killing two before he directed the computer to leave us out of the program. Holograms that had been homing in on us turned on the white mech instantly, but he seemed unbothered by the increase of enemy targets.

"Better," Blurr said.

It felt good to know that this mech, whom I seemed to get on the bad foot with so quickly, had forgiven me. I felt more confident now, and tired beyond anything. I couldn't wait to crash, even if sunrise up would just find me cleaning a clean ship.

* * *

Let me know what you thinks, kiddos :)


	5. Chapter 5

A while back Ayngel was talking to me about this AU, ODL, and called it OLM… thought it was called One Little Mistake, which, as I was writing this chap, sounded like the perfect title were it primarily from Skywarp's POV. Just sayin.

When Skywarp and Bravura meet, they're not going to be talking about the same things. They'll be under the wrong impressions, led to the wrong conclusions, and blaming each other for different mistakes. Blinding by Florence + the Machine was my song most of this long chap. Be ready for all kinds of crazy big crap. I've been in a spiteful mood as far as writings goes, ya'll know why XD

* * *

It was about three in the afternoon when I heard Bumblebee's engines **roar** down on the dock, tires squealing on the corner and peeling out. His engine faded quickly, so he was really booking it.

_Anything happening that I should know about?_ I asked Blaster on a merchant frequency.

_Five minutes,_ he sent back quickly, his tone clipped.

I sat there in silence, contemplating what could've pushed Bumblebee to drive like that, then picked up the ragged and rough sponge I was using the wash the hull. The whole thing was gleaming, at least when the sun shone through the clouds. It was getting colder every day, not that it really bothered me.

I was on my back scrubbing at the underside of a vent when Blaster got back to me.

_Sorry, everybody was talking at once. Sam's got a situation._

_ It's ok… what kind of situation?_

_ As in… well, you'd understand better than anyone, I guess._

_ What do you mean, Blaster?_

_ Ratchet took a look at Sam… picked up something the humans couldn't. Some of Sam's bones are laced with metal, and when they're given an energy source… they grow._

I dropped the wet sponge onto my chest. The heavy sucking sound was a fair expression of my own feelings.

_Which hospital is Sam staying at?_

_ You shouldn't go, Bravura. Kup would blow a gasket._

_ It's my fault! _I yelled on the comm. _The same thing that fixed me should've killed Sam, but it didn't, and then he got crushed under a slagging wall! And then I didn't protect him from the pressure when we brought him up. The Allspark decided being squishy wasn't safe, so it's making him a Goddamn robot! It's my fault, I didn't protect him!_

_ Bravura, calm down. Come to the comm. room, we can talk. I'll tell Kup I decided to have you calibrate some buggy equipment._

_ Will he believe you?_

_ So what if he doesn't? I haven't gotten on his bad side in a while; it's time for a dressing down. I can handle him better than you, so just come on down and take a breather._

Water dripped and slid off of my chest as I squeezed the sponge. Fly off wildly for every hospital in the area, or go down and sit with Blaster? I knew what I _wanted_ to do, but Blaster was right, Kup would probably just send me back to the City. I wiggled out from under the ledge and rolled to my knees, still kneading the sponge.

"I'm so sorry, Sam," I mumbled before throwing the sponge into the bucket and going to the northern end of the ship, picking my way down to the metal bridge and heading into the Trion to sit with Blaster.

* * *

"Do you really think it's that bad?" Blaster asked after I'd sulked in silence for nearly half an hour listening to the songs he liked playing in the background.

"Well… yeah. What if he had plans? Things he wanted to do, kids… his parents, did he have a girlfriend? It's not just him to think about… I had nobody… Well, I had a godfather, but he's the type to get over that kind of thing."

"Sam will be stronger, he'll live longer. He'll enjoy the protection of a small army, and we're all pretty good friends with him, so… he won't be alone. He'll adjust just like you did. Do _you_ wish you were human?"

"No," I grumbled. "I wouldn't have asked for this before the fact, but now… I've had plenty of time to identify with your kind. Our kind… Poor Sam."

"Why 'poor' Sam? I'd say he's lucky, girl! He'll get to pick an alt mode, maybe when he grows he'll even become a fighter. He'd have no shortage of teachers… Or he might specialize, like me or First Aid or Perceptor!"

"Why haven't I seen Perceptor?" I asked suddenly.

"He stays in the lab with Wheeljack mostly. He's having daily nerdgasms over all kinds of random junk. Now old Percy's getting ready to help Bumblebee store Sam's memories, for when he reaches a critical point. They're debating whether or not to accelerate the process like yours did, or if they should let the Allspark take its course a while."

"I wonder if he'll need a spark donation? Doesn't the Allspark do that sort of thing?"

"I haven't heard anything about a spark… I wonder if that's something Bee would volunteer for, knowing what it means."

"It's perfect friendship," I said with a shrug. "Not what I'd call romantic, but if Bee loves him… he might choose that."

"The Allspark might make the point moot, though. If it wanted to protect Sam, surely it covered all the bases."

Thinking about how I'd been born, my memories recorded and reordered and saved, made me wonder something I'd never considered before.

Did I have a soul? Camilla's soul, anyway? I fed off of Hot Rod's soul, linked to it, but… what about my human soul? Was I nothing but information, my actual existence long gone? When my body died, had that been the end of me? Was I was nothing but a mannequin, a charade?

Would Sam be luckier than me?

The stress of knowing Sam was changing had weakened me. Cracked the seal that had been protecting me from my own uncertainty, my fears and inadequacy. As I left the comm. tower, I hugged myself, falling back into the slump I so often wore now. I doubted even Blurr's attitude could force me out of my funk. I didn't want to snap out of it, I wanted to wallow.

Hot Rod, when I bothered to pay attention, was unhappy and sympathetic. He was such a good mech, I really ought to show him a little more appreciation. Poor guy…

"Poor Sam," I mumbled for what felt like the millionth time.

"So you heard?" a voice asked from an open room. I glanced up, spying Tracks sprawled out on his berth. It was his room. If I weren't so inclined to dislike him, I might find him sexy. In my current mood, I was too miserable to even grudgingly appreciate the view.

"Yeah," I mumbled before moving on. Being so caught up in the whirlwind of thoughts of Skywarp, soullessness and Sam's predicament was too demanding to stay and chat.

"Hey," Tracks called from behind me. I looked, and he'd gotten up to stand just outside his room.

"What?" I asked with only a little acid, looking over one of his broad shoulders to keep from looking him in the optic.

"Come have a cube with me."

My energon felt like it'd been replaced with ice water. I turned away without refusing or accepting, striding down the hall purposefully. He didn't follow.

_Spend time with you?_ I thought to myself. _I'd sooner shove my face into a blender!_

Except… it was gratifying that an attractive, if insufferable, mech had invited me to sit with him. Almost made me feel better about being abandoned, forgotten.

I stopped after only a few long steps, turning back. Tracks had leaned against his doorframe, as if he'd expected me to change my mind after all. I stared him down until he slowly stood, relaxed and confident, then began to walk towards me. I walked next to him when he came abreast of me, still not speaking.

* * *

Skywarp held his hands up, doing everything in his power to look friendly or at least not aggressive. Gears had him at gunpoint, and other Autobots would be arriving soon. Skywarp waited until their SIC and Bravura's brother were present to say anything. Aside from speaking, he didn't move a micron.

"I want to see Bravura."

It had taken days of waiting, days of patience he'd only barely managed, standing by for the wretched catbot to move somewhere else for surveillance. He had a chance now as the sun set, and he was taking it, carefully focusing on the catbot just in case it decided to return. Hopefully he'd have enough warning to warp out before the catbot caught sight of him.

The mechs exchanged looks, giving Skywarp the very real feeling that he was missing something.

"She's not… not willing to see you," Rodimus finally said, looking guilty.

"What do you mean? Have you even asked her?!" It took more control than he'd thought he had not to move, but he didn't doubt for a minute they would shoot him at the first twitch.

"You hurt her. She doesn't want to see you anymore, Decepticon Skywarp."

Skywarp felt his fingers flex. "Let me explain it to her. It was a misunderstanding. Please, you're her brother! She'll listen to you!"

"She won't see you," Rodimus said, bright blue optics staring hard into red ones. "Leave now, Seeker, or we will be forced to incapacitate you, and none of us want to deal with a Seeker in the brig."

He was sorely tempted to let them take him, if only for the possibility she might give in and come see him… but no, his trine needed him too. He couldn't forget about them.

"I won't give up until you let me see her," Skywarp growled, his deep rumble easily audible over the whistling wind.

Weapons whistled as they charged, and Prowl stepped forward.

"Three to one, Seeker, and one of us is a Prime," the SIC said coolly. "You don't stand a chance with us, or with her, apparently. Leave now, before this becomes more than an embarrassing mention in our reports."

Skywarp snarled. Weapons twitched and he backed away, towards the ledge.

"Fine. FINE! I'm leaving!" Without bothering to look back at her brother one last time, Skywarp turned and leapt off the mesa, pushing for orbit as soon as he was in the air. Now that their home in the desert was in shambles, the only place he could think was the moon. The vibrations of the massive solar collectors, an advancement towards renewable energon that Starscream had ordered built and Megatron now grudgingly took advantage of. It would hopefully help drown out his rising anger and thwarted hopes.

The question that burned in his mind was not how to find a way to speak to her, but if Hot Rod was telling the truth. Had she been so ready for an excuse to leave him that something so small was all it took? One little mistake?

It didn't take long to reach the moon, even without warping. He was less than pleased to see that Dirge and Thrust were there, handling the energon and preparing it to be carried off by either Ramjet or Warp. It said something about how low he'd sunk in Megatron's optics to be put on the same level with _Ramjet._

Dirge watched Skywarp come in, though Thrust barely bothered to glance. The fearmonger left his brother with the canisters and followed Skywarp to the batteries. The black and purple Seeker tried to ignore the Conehead, but Dirge seemed to want to say something.

_Wouldn't you know it, I saw Bravura a few days ago,_ he sent on the Seeker comm. It was the frequency given to all gifted flyers upon being sworn in as a Seeker for Megatron, different from the links each trine shared.

Skywarp flinched, though it was the tiniest of motions.

_She was looking for me._

That got a response out of the black Seeker. Skywarp turned to face Dirge, optics smoldering.

_What do you mean?_

_She flew in where I was getting some R and R, seemed confused, landed… She never told me she could track._

_ She can't,_ Skywarp growled. _She's just a flyer._

_ I don't think you're correct, there. _Dirge sent a whisper of fear through Skywarp, but much like everybot who had to deal with Dirge for any amount of time, the Seeker was able to suppress any real reaction. _She had no idea why she was there, what she was looking for, but she wanted me, Skywarp. She never said no._

Skywarp roared, though there was no sound to be had. Dirge laughed, equally silent.

_Lie to me again, coward. Just try it!_

_ What was it she said… We can do this later._ The Conehead gave it a sultry tone, one Skywarp had actually heard her use for him, in the desert and in Tricora… Could it be that she-

_She 'faced you? _Skywarp sent, rage and shock warring within him

_Why would she stop at 'facing when we're already so… intimate? She couldn't wait for our next meeting, Skywarp. She wants me to show her again what a real Seeker's like._

Skywarp couldn't stop himself from attacking Dirge. Terror spiked through him, but Skywarp could fight through fear. It was a low trick that Dirge had mastered and it only fueled Skywarp's rage. The two met in a clash, raw energy and power meeting, showers of sparks the only sign of the shrieks and groans of metal that should've been audible.

Thrust managed to break them up, but only just. Skywarp would've killed the disgusting creature if not for Starscream's grating voice on his trine link, demanding to know why Thrust was telling him to control his trinemate.

If there was one thing Skywarp couldn't stomach, it was betrayal. He would never turn on his trine, and he never would've turned on her. Frell, he wouldn't even betray Megatron if it meant anything short of his trine or Bravura's death. He'd push the limits, as he had when he'd left his trine to try and redeem himself for his love's sake, but never truly betray them…

Bravura had betrayed _him_? With _Dirge?_

_

* * *

_

"You lied to Skywarp," Prowl observed after they were sure the Seeker wasn't coming back.

"Yes. Wouldn't you have?" When Prowl looked at him but didn't respond, Hot Rod went on. "Why do you think he didn't know she wasn't here, with that Seeker tracking of his? Either he doesn't care enough to look or he's keeping an optic on someone or something else for Megatron. He's a Decepticon first. I love her, and I want her to be happy, but some day she's going to realize what the word really means. What they do. This way, maybe she'll have moved on by the time it happens, and be glad she lost him."

* * *

"Those scuffs don't look any better," Tracks said after lowering his cube to the table.

"No? I haven't thought about them."

"I have something that will help hide them, you know. Come back to my quarters when we're done and I'll show you."

Buzzing a snort, I shook my head. "I don't care about the scuffs."

"What's wrong with filling them in a little? It'll be vorns before they look any better on their own."

"Who cares?" I asked, bending over to rest my chin in my palm. "I sure don't."

"Maybe I want to see you the way you were meant to look. What's wrong with looking nice?"

"Nothing," I said with a shrug. "I just don't care."

"For me, then. Let me buff it a little."

Sighing, I swished my energon from side to side in its cube. I didn't really need it, I'd been in the sun most of the last two days, at least when it wasn't covered by clouds. "Fine," I said uncomfortably. "If you'll leave me alone about it, I'll let you. This one time."

He grinned and drained his cube. "You going to finish that?"

Shaking my head, he snatched it up and took it to the energon unit for reprocessing. The galley was fully Cybertronian here on the ship, no human-sized equipment or furniture. The ship wasn't built for smaller bots either, but fully intended for bots of our size. I rose to a stand when he started back. My posture must have warned him off, because his hand lifted as if to touch me but dropped again almost immediately.

We went back to his quarters in silence, though he glanced at me a few times like he might speak. When we got to the room he shut the door behind him, setting me on edge just a little more than I'd already been.

"Go ahead and sit, I'll get out the polish."

Tracks went to a cabinet built nearly seamlessly into the wall, pulling out a drawer and rummaging a bit before pulling out a tube about the length of his hand. He dabbed a little drop of the contents onto a cloth that looked oddly organic in this metal place.

He sat next to me and I managed not to flinch when the cloth touched my cheek. He rubbed in little circles, gentle but firm, stopping several times to add more of the polish to the cloth. His expression was one of deep concentration, as if making me look less damaged was somehow a meaningful art.

His satisfaction when he was finished confirmed that thought. "Perfect!" he congratulated himself. "You can only tell it's there if you look at it from a certain angle. Of course, it will wear off after a while, and you'll need some more… but I won't mind, you know," Tracks said. He'd moved slightly, as if trying to see which angles showed my scuffs, but that had placed him dangerously close to me.

Tracks looked from my scuff to me optics to my lips. As close as he was sitting, I could feel his wing brushing against my shoulders, giving me the sensations of being trapped though I could've leaned away sideways.

It wasn't until he was moving in towards me that I decided I would let whatever happened happen. I needed validation, I wanted to feel wanted. Screw Skywarp, screw his conflicting behavior, screw his promises.

Tracks didn't kiss me on the lips. He went for my neck slowly, giving me time to protest, but I didn't. My fingers brushed his wing just over his shoulder as his lips touched the plating of my collar. We both made little sounds, Tracks because I was grazing my fingers along the edge of his wing and I because he'd gently bitten me.

* * *

When I came to my senses, Tracks had already reclaimed his cables and ports. He had no choice but to lie on his back because of his wings, but I got the sense that if he could roll over and face the wall he would've. He'd turned me facing away from him.

I sat up, letting myself adjust to being upright before standing and leaving. I didn't even bother with a 'thanks for the sex' gesture.

It hadn't been very good. I'd been too rough, too demanding, and he'd complained about it repeatedly. I hadn't given a damn. Using the bastard meant his whines about biting too hard or using my tiny claws didn't make a difference to me. Frag his paintjob. I had what I'd wanted, and slag me if I didn't feel even worse than before.

"Stupid," I grumbled. "You should know better. It never helped when you were human."

Supreme stupidity seemed to be my greatest strength. I'd responded to heartbreak this same way when my parents died, leaving the proper life behind and beginning a lifestyle that led to what I had now.

"Stupid," I repeated harshly.

"Hey, Bravura!" I looked up at the vaguely familiar voice. The mech Hound was coming down the hall, smiling.

"Hound, hey. Nice seeing you around." I snapped a smile on as best I could.

"Yep. Somebody talked Kup into giving you guard duty over Sam, since they've given Bumblebee leave. He'll technically guard Sam anyway, but… I guess because of your past, you'll want to be there." He chuckled as my face lit up.

"Fantastic. I'll have to find out whoever did it and thank him. I wonder if this would be a good time to experiment with my new hologram generator."

"The one Mirage gave you?"

"Yep. I want to see Sam, go in the hospital, but I've never done a hologram that didn't cover my natural body."

"You're talking to the right mech," Hound said with a grin. "If anybody's good at making native holograms it's me."

"Yeah? Is it tough making one?"

"Nah… if you want to get really simple you just get a bioscan of a human and load it into the generator. It's more fun to design one."

"Ok," I said with a grin. "Think anybody will object to Angelina Jolie in Sam's room?"

Hound laughed. "Don't you want to make it look like the human you used to be?"

Frowning, I shook my head. "No." My tone fell flatter than I'd intended.

His chuckle faded awkwardly. "Oh. Uh, well, you'll get to design one then. If you want we can go to one of the observation ports and I can walk you through it."

"Sounds like something Mirage would do," I said with a smile.

"Yeah. If he likes you, he's a great mech to have around. Most bots don't really ever try to get friendly with him, but we worked together so much after he joined the Autobots, I figured out he's not nearly so bad as bots think. He just had a hard time adjusting to the life."

"You're friends?"

"A working relationship, but still, I'd pick getting trapped in an airlock with him over plenty of other bots."

Rubbing my helm, I thought back to the day after my kidnapping, the chaste kisses and the earnest way Mirage'd said he'd never leave me…

"Well, hey, if you wanna teach a hopeless dummy like me how to make a holoform, that's your own fault," I said with false cheer. Hound looked at me faintly amused, and I knew he'd seen through the phony tone.

The observation port was a small room with a thin wide panoramic window. In space it would make for a nice little view, here it just showed off the murky water the ship was sitting in. The frequent rains had really muddied the river up since I'd gotten there.

"It'll be easier if you let me jack in," Hound said. "I understand if you don't want to."

"It's fine," I said easily. Practicing as a medic had made me a little less sensitive to plugging into strangers or being plugged into, even if I'd always jacked into Butcher or one of the other medics… I kind of missed those mechs, actually.

I opened my wrists and exposed my ports, letting Hound push his cable in. I highlighted the pathway to my hologram generator's software and he followed it, settling in as a secondary controller. Using a combination of spoken instruction and demonstration, we settled on a female in her mid twenties who closely resembled Hot Rod's holoform, with brown hair and shocking blue eyes.

Before turning me loose, Hound stayed plugged into me while I attempted my first out of body experience. I set the generator on the floor and ran the protocols, watching as the generator jumped off of the floor before disappearing in a fizzle of energy and-

I was staring at my own supports, huge and white with some dark blue. Hound's were next to them, green and thick in comparison. Looking down at the brown haired human and up at my metallic body, I had a slight sense of vertigo which passed quickly.

"Weird," both bodies remarked. Hound had helped me modulate the voice, a less electronic version of my real speaking voice, so it sounded tinny, flat and small.

"You get used to it. It's usually easier to focus just on the hologram, but unless you're doing something really complicated on both ends you should be able to handle both at once."

Hound withdrew from my system, unplugging before tossing down a hologram generator of his own. It shimmered to life, revealing a man who looked suspiciously like Paul Hogan's Crocodile Dundee, minus the hat.

"Care to dance?" the hologram asked, holding out a hand. His holoform was taller than mine, though we hadn't modeled mine a pipsqueak by any means.

"I don't know how," I said, grimacing. At the little movement I realized I'd been standing stock still, not moving even to have the appearance of breathing. I made myself breath in, though I didn't need the air, and took Hound's human hand.

He actually knew how to waltz. It wasn't difficult, and I'd known the dance as a human, so after some fumbling as I adjusted to my hologram's seemingly weightless movement we actually made a decent couple.

"How'd you learn to dance?" I asked when I felt comfortable enough to speak and move at the same time.

"Just a hobby. I really like the humans, their culture. I spend a lot of my time in this holoform just experiencing things. You're so lucky to know what it's really like."

Being a hologram wasn't like being a bot at all, but I could tell it wasn't quite like being alive either. There were sensations, feelings, but not how I'd remembered them.

"I wouldn't go back," I told him. "If I had to choose, I'd choose this."

"I don't know what I'd choose," Hound admitted. "To be organic… but to die so soon, to be so weak and small and vulnerable, I don't know if I could do it. I read a human novel called _The Tale of the Body Thief._ It's about a fictional creature called a vampire who trades in his own powerful immortal body for a human one and realizes he hates everything about it, even though he longed for it for so long. I wonder if I'd be that way."

"You like reading, then?"

"Yeah, I read all kinds of stuff. Whatever I can get my hands on, and if I'm not reading an actual book I'm downloading e-books. I never did much reading on Cybertron."

He was smiling absently as we turned to music I couldn't hear but easily imagined. Hound seemed so comfortable opening up to me. I wondered if this had something to do with my once being something he inexplicably envied, or if it was simply in his nature. If it was just the way he was, it would explain how he'd gotten along with Mirage. He didn't keep seem to be the type to keep secrets. He was like an open book, if you cared to look.

* * *

I landed in the tennis court south of the hospital. It was technically a part of the University next door, but I couldn't exactly leave my body in the parking lot. Letting my hologram projector activate, I transformed back into my Tweet.

Bumblebee met me at the back entrance of the hospital. His holoform, a handsome blonde haired blue eyed man about Sam's age, looked at frazzled as he possibly could while still looking good. His hair was messy and he looked tense.

"It will be nice having some company for a few days," he said once we were in the elevator to Sam's room.

"I wish I had more time. Only four days left on my vacation. Now that this has come up I might be able to come back soon, though. It's not like I have any other work to be doing."

Sam was covered in dark bruises. They'd put him in a hospital gown, but I could imagine the black and blue splotches, some turning yellowish brown by now, all over his body. He'd been totally abused…

Sitting down in the chair next to the bedside, I looked at the man in profile. He was so different from the kid I'd met when I was human. I hadn't really paid attention as a robot, I didn't pay much attention to the humans period… but now that I was on his level, I could make out tiny scars at the corner of his mouth, more on his forearms. A four o'clock shadow was sprouting, giving him a rugged appearance, and the boyish charm he so easily turned on was gone. He really was a grown man. I wondered what Camilla would've looked like by now, but only briefly.

When I reached up to touch his hand I felt a small jolt as energy jumped from him to me and back again. I felt it in my real body too, somehow, but looking up at Bee, he only shrugged.

"It does that to everyone. The Allspark's protecting him, I think, checking out the intentions of everybody who comes near him. Probably doesn't want him getting hurt before he's done changing."

"Too bad it didn't bother protecting him in the City," I grumbled. "Probably because he had me. I should've been able to protect him."

"You were broken, you co-"

"I was never _broken!_" I snarled. His shock brought me back from my instant anger and I looked back down at Sam's hand in mine. "Sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"It's ok." He got another chair and pulled it next to me. "I'm on edge too."

Nodding, I released Sam's hand and took Bee's instead. "He'll be ok, Bumblebee. They'll bring him through it just like they brought me. And they know it will work this time."

Bumblebee nodded, giving a very human sigh. Smiling faintly, I squeezed his hand and settled back in my chair.

* * *

I didn't sleep for days. Whenever I tried, deactivating my hologram and trying to allow my mechanical body to rest, I only thought about Skywarp and Sam. How I'd failed in two very different ways. I hadn't kept his interest in the case of the former, and I'd let the latter get hurt. Me, the one who always ended up relying on someone else to do the rescuing, couldn't handle saving just one person. So instead of trying, I just sat next to Sam and watched him.

I don't know when I lost my battle with exhaustion, but I didn't come out of it until someone refused to stop calling my name, telling me to get up.

"Not leaving Sam," I mumbled even as I followed the instructions and transformed, pushing myself to my feet fluidly. My hologram must've deactivated when I recharged, because my split consciousness was gone.

"You haven't gotten any decent rest in four days," a voice I now recognized pointed out. He was standing on the other side of the tennis court's chain link fence.

"Bumblebee," I whispered, pained. "I didn't mean to fall asleep, I'll go back-"

"Don't bother," Bee sighed. "It'll be weeks before he's ready, if your own transformation is any indicator."

Nodding, I shrugged. "I just feel like its my fault. The same fall that fixed me probably did this to him. It really should've killed him, but it didn't, and… this is why."

"Don't be sorry," Bee said quietly. "When he wakes up he'll be likes us."

"It will certainly help your relationship situation," I said absently.

"What are you talking about?" The Camaro jumped, looking at me as if I were a spider.

"Well, I just remembered how you and Hot Rod talked so long ago, when we watched the Notebook, and the way you worry about him now. I just figured it wasn't just friendship on your side."

"He prefers females," Bee said with a weak shrug.

"Did you, before you met him?"

"I never thought to look for a relationship."

"Would you rather frag me, or Hot Rod?" I asked, sleep deprivation making me bold.

"I wouldn't sleep with either of you!"

I chuckled. "You're so proper, Bee. But I guess that'll be good for Sam… structure helps. So does having someone you know you can trust no matter what. Mirage was so good to me those first weeks."

The memories of those times, the games, the playing… nothing serious, no pressure or romantic complications… At least not with Mirage. He'd been a safe haven. Why had things changed? Because I wasn't small anymore? Because I looked so grown, and he couldn't find it in him to play the way he once did? He played with Artemis just fine, no matter how much he insisted he was no good with kids… I longed for the old Mirage. Or maybe for the old me.

"Go back to the Trion, and get some rest." Bee said gently. "You look awful, and you have to head back to Autobot City tonight. I'll stay with Sam."

A human moved below us, catching my optic. The blonde hologram threw something up to Bee, and Bee tossed it over the fence to me. Catching it on reflex, I realized it was my hologram generator.

"Maybe you should make your holoform a sexy chick with big boobs, Bee," I said with a grin. "Sam might like that."

"Go on, get out of here.," Bee scolded, shooing me away. With one last sad giggle, I transformed and prepared to fly to the Trion. I heard him call a goodbye just before I started my engines.

* * *

Tracks was waiting _in my room_. I didn't see him at first, just shut the door behind me with an unsteady kick, stumbling for the berth. I drew up short when he turned his head, his blue optics burning. He was lounging on _my_ bed, looking so casual that if I didn't know better I'd think he belonged there. Drawing up short, I stared. My exhaustion disappeared, replaced by surprise.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked.

"Waiting for you to come back. I heard Bee tell Springer he was going to get you to let him take a shift."

"I'm tired, Tracks," I said sharply. "Get out of my bed."

He did stand up, his wings making him seem much more top-heavy than he was. I stepped aside to let him out, but he adjusted his course, hands closing on my waist while his lips came down on my neck.

"Szzzht!" I buzzed as his thumbs massaged my stomach's plating, his denta nibbling artfully at my neck just over wiring.

"You can recharge when we're finished," he said, his voice muffled as he moved along my collar. "Don't be so rough this time, eh?" He pushed his weight against me slightly, backing me into the wall.

"No," I panted. "I'm not in the- nngh!- not in the mood."

"Interfacing is incredibly effective stress relief, you know," Tracks said, cool blue optics darting up at me.

"I hate you," I growled, even as I rolled my hips slightly at the feel of his hand sliding down my hip.

"You hate how you can't get enough of me," he chuckled, his tone grating on my nerves more than I could stand.

"No, I hate you!" I snapped, cocking my fist back as far as the wall would allow and throwing all my strength into punching the irritatingly cocky mech in the side of the mouth.

He stumbled back, more from surprise than any actual strength on my part. I used the moment to dart past him and out of my room. Where could I go? I didn't need _protection _from Tracks, but I needed a safe place to recharge. Just moments after that sparkpounding moment I felt liked I'd drop any minute.

_Blaster?_ I called on a random merchant frequency.

_Yes'm. What's the story?_

_You in the comm. room?_

_Of course._

_I'm coming up there. Don't tell anyone._

He swiveled his chair around when I came into the room but didn't ask any questions when I went to the other empty chair and sank into it, offlining my optics and falling into recharge almost before I'd fully settled into the chair.

* * *

Something put me on edge, something unsettling enough to wake me enough. I jerked to wakefulness, my systems booting up in a rush. Blaster had been looking at me, but I watched his optics focus and realized I had just been where his optics had fallen. He'd been paying attention to the airwaves.

"You've only been out a couple hours," Blaster commented.

"Feel a lot better though," I said, stretching.

"Any reason you had to recharge up here? Not that I mind, just wondering if that chair's somehow more comfortable than I thought."

Shrugging, I tried to shake off that weird feeling I'd woken up to. It persisted.

"You should head back soon," Blaster interrupted my focus. "It's going to start getting dark in a couple hours, and it'll be night by the time you get home."

Groaning, I leaned forward, elbows on my knees. "I forgot… I don't want to go back yet, Blaster."

"You can always visit again. Or we'll visit you. Don't worry, we'll miss you too." Blaster smiled so genuinely that I believed him.

"Yeah… who's around? I'd like to say bye to everyone."

* * *

Bluestreak made it, as well as Roadbuster and Blurr. Everyone else was busy or recharging.

"I can't believe it's been a week already!" Bluestreak said. "We barely got to hang out at all! I'd really hoped we get a chance to grab a bunch of us and see a drive in, or maybe play some more soccer, or even just have a get together over some energon. A week's not nearly long enough when we all have to work."

Laughing, I hugged the mech and assured him I'd be back as soon as I could. Blurr shook my hand, as well as Roadbuster, and before I knew it I was back in the air and headed for home.

* * *

So absorbed was I in my own thoughts that I didn't see the speck of blue on the horizon until it was alarmingly close. It'd come in with the sun behind him, still with about an hour's worth of daylight left. It was a tetrajet, more specifically Dirge. He flew around me until he was on the same flight path as I was, slowing down to my pace just a few feet higher than my own path, somewhat behind me.

"Land!" he yelled over the deafening sound of rushing wind and engines.

I didn't argue. I angled to the ground, spotting an opening in the trees and falling through it. Dirge didn't fit quite as well as I did, but the fall foliage gave way under his weight.

This was a familiar scene… Standing in dappled light, surrounded by tree trunks as Dirge came towards me. What was unfamiliar was that I was scared this time, when on Predaca I'd been too numb to be afraid.

"I told Skywarp you found me," he said with a smug smile.

My spark shrank in its casing. "You… you did? What did he say?"

"He said you're not gifted. He doesn't think you're good enough."

"Oh," I said, my voice cracking despite all the time I'd had to at least learn to control myself.

Dirge frowned. "What did you ever see in him?"

Talking to Dirge about my feelings was the last thing in the universe I could've expected. I halfway anticipated the Earth imploding at the impossibility of it.

"I… projected my own feelings onto him. I made myself see things that weren't there." I went to a tree, luckily a big sturdy tree, not like the kind you'd find in the southwest where they don't get enough rain, and leaned against it, sliding down to sit and stripping bark as I went. Dirge followed, sitting in front of me just a few feet away. My spark ached a little, remembering…

"So you don't love him anymore?"

"He doesn't love me," I said, shrugging before pulling my knees up to my chin.

Dirge seemed to be considering that while I picked up a fallen branch, nothing more than a stick in my hands, and worried it into twigs.

When he spoke again it was to change the subject.

"The last time I saw you in a forest like this, you were crazy. What's it like going crazy?"

I actually laughed a little. I'd asked him that very same question before being turned over to Sunstorm. My chuckle faded as I reflected on Predaca, and on the fact that Dirge was the only mech on Earth who would truly understand what that place had been like. Not even the Command Trine would truly know, they hadn't had to see it, to get to know those crazy bastards.

"It's like falling into darkness, and if there's a way to stop it you can't see it. Blind and alone. It happened so fast."

"You seemed happy," he pointed out.

"Ah… that was the drug talking. There was another piece of me sleeping underneath, the piece that… listened to you. It was the part of me that remembered that the upgrade was death, that I'd had another life. But it was so hard to make her - me - understand. I wasn't strong enough to fight it and break free."

"At least you lived, and they didn't break you. I was certain you'd be a shell, even if you survived."

"Why would you care?" I asked cautiously.

"Because you're a flyer." Another line from our short time on the Predacan ship, and once again said as if it should've been apparent already.

"How is that enough? Why are you being so," I sputtered for the word before settling on "reasonable towards me now? You… you raped me the first time you saw me, Seeker! Not to mention you're supposed to be working for Megatron now." I tensed, waiting for fear to pulse through me, but it didn't come.

"As far as Megatron is concerned… I haven't felt like a Decepticon in a while now. I worked for Divebomb, but that didn't make me a Predacon. I don't really feel like I have a faction anymore. I'm only here because Starscream's trine insisted. And the sparking… I know I can have you whenever I want you," he said, smirking. "You think I don't know what your spark is telling you? We recognize each other, and I know that if I were to take you now you couldn't stop me and wouldn't try. It's almost not worth the effort."

"So you only like sparking if your femme's truly afraid of you?" I sighed. "It's your fault I'm not as scared of you anymore, Dirge. You taught me well, huh?"

He laughed, a genuinely pleased sound. "I suppose I did. You lived through Predaca, through Megatron. Though I wouldn't go confusing 'less scared' with 'not scared.' I know you were afraid when you saw me."

I nodded, abandoning my twigs and wrapping my arms around my legs. "What do you want from me?" I asked quietly.

He seemed surprised by the question, as if he hadn't thought of it already. I didn't pressure him, just listened to the squirrels in the trees over us as they squeaked warnings to their fellows.

After a few minutes I let myself think out loud. "Isn't your trine enough? What kind of companionship could you possibly want from one inadequate femme?"

"I sense a melancholy from you that I know myself. And a feeling," he said finally. "You learn to trust your instincts when you're a Seeker, to trust yourself."

"The humans call it women's intuition," I said with a smile.

"Only appropriate when applied to a femme like you," he said moodily.

"Except you can't apply it to me at all," I pointed out. "I'm not a Seeker."

"Of course you're not a Seeker, that's a title. Seekers are Megatron's trackers. You are a gifted flyer."

I shook my head. "No, I'm not."

He scowled. "Have you never had a moment where you knew something was going to happen, a bad feeling or a good one, anticipatory, that proved true?"

I started to shake my head, then stopped. Not long ago at all I'd woken up in a panic… The night Reverb infiltrated the City. Again when I'd woken up in the comm. tower, but I hadn't figured that one out yet. Grudgingly I shared this with Dirge. He nodded as if he'd expected it.

"I bet you felt me tracing you earlier. The Autobots don't know what they have in you. Even without being as strong or as fast as you'd have to be to earn the title, you have a gift. Maybe a weak one, or only just untrained."

"Humans have them all the time," I grumbled. "Moments of… knowing stuff. Like who's calling on the phone or that something isn't going to go well."

Dirge tilted his head slightly. "Go on."

"Like… when I was-" Dirge didn't know I had been human. "-living with them, one had dreams about things that were about to happen a couple of times. Lots claim to be psychic, but whether that's a hoax or not is hard to prove."

"Your gift is obvious," Dirge insisted. "There's no mistaking the pull, the direction, the intuition, as you call it."

"I haven't had it," I insisted with equal force.

He growled, but I could tell he was still calm because even that sound was beautiful coming from him. "We're going to do an exercise. You will focus your mind, which I trust you can do since you block your signature so well."

Shrugging, I sat cross-legged, scooting way from the tree slightly to sit up straight on my own. I flinched when Dirge leaned forward, playing his hands on my knees with his long claws resting on my thighs.

"We are encouraged by our caretakers to form trines as younglings as soon as our gift begins to manifest. We are drawn to our trine through our gift based on our strengths, weaknesses and compatibility. If a flyer goes undiscovered, like you, they find themselves searching blindly, not knowing what they are looking for… Sometimes their power leads them into trouble, because without an outlet its targets are chosen blindly. Sometimes they end up spending their lives simply feeling unfulfilled."

"I haven't been… looking for trouble," I started off talking confidently, but my voice trailed off as I realized how false that was.

Trouble magnet. Never getting anything right… never a dull moment… my draw to the Seeker, Skywarp, who could've been able to tell me the things Dirge was telling me now. The very first time I'd seen him after waking up into my current body I'd been wandering without any real intention, made my way down into the brig… Later I'd found a mech, Devcon, to help me survive in the colonized sectors. Even my meeting with Dirge had been an accident, a choice I hadn't thought through from the start.

"Oh Primus," I whispered, looking up at the satisfied red optics gazing down at me.

"You see?" He said calmly.

"Yeah, but it could still just be chance," I said weakly.

He ran his palms up my thighs to my hips, leaning down towards me.

"Focus your mind. Make it a blank slate first. I'll help you when you're ready."

Trying to contain my nervounesss, I offlined my optics and checked my posture, dropping my chin until my face pointed straight ahead. I cautiously let my hands rest on Dirge's and took a few calming intakes before beginning the process of emptying my mind, the first step in Mirage's lessons. I wasn't afraid that Dirge would hurt me, now. I almost trusted him.

After a few minutes time, Dirge seemed to know when I'd reach the state of mind I needed. _Look for me._

I wanted to question this, he was right in front of me after all, but I obeyed. Nothing.

_Don't fight it. You're resisting what you can do, I can feel it. As long as I touch you I can help you, so let me help you._

Controlling my frown and rediscovering my focus, I tried again to 'find' Dirge.

Twenty minutes later we were still frozen in the quiet forest, and my patience was beginning to wear thin. Every now and then he coaxed, pressed, guided, but I couldn't seem to pick up a single thread of what I was supposed to be looking for.

I had given up and was about to push Dirge's hands away when I felt with a tiny indescribable burst _where_ Dirge was. Gasping, I jerked back against the tree, shaking orangey yellow leaves from the canopy. Onlining my optics, I stared up at Dirge's sad smile.

"It's a weak gift, granted, but you have it. Without me you wouldn't have felt much, but it's better than nothing."

"It was so real," I whispered. "I felt like I could've found you anywhere, like there was something connecting us."

Dirge nodded. "Want to try again?"

I nodded eagerly, leaning forward again and resting my hands back on the massive claws that still lay on my legs.

This time, it was next to nothing to find Hot Rod. I turned my head slightly, knowing without any doubt that I could find him effortlessly, given enough time. Next, I chose Blaster. I tried to find Warpath, the mech I knew was in Afghanistan, but that was harder.

"You haven't met that one," Dirge murmured over me. "It takes more control, more focus, to find a stranger. Takes true mastery to find another species or an inanimate object."

"The Allspark?" I whispered. "Why did you never find the Allspark?"

"It eludes detection," Dirge said quietly. "If the Allspark doesn't want to be found, you won't find it."

On a whim, I focused my mind, entering that quiet blank state, before turning my newly discovered will on Skywarp. Confused, I lifted my head up at the sky.

"He's on the moon. It's showing. If it weren't for these trees you'd see it."

"You know who I'm looking for?" I whispered.

"I know what Skywarp feels like, yes."

Shaking myself free of the sensation, I looked down from the trees to Dirge. He was watching me, his expression distant and dark.

"Thank you," I said, still surprised by the revelation.

The tetrajet nodded, but then instead of standing he curled his hands around my waist, leaning down. His face came close to mine. The tree only allowed me to escape so far, and then the Seeker was kissing me.

I didn't move. Despite what we'd just shared, the help he'd given me, the doors he'd opened… The Seeker's presence, his hands holding me still, filled me with animal terror. It felt like that first time all over again, fleeing in space only to be captured and beaten and-

He stroked the side of my face, caressed it really. "Not now," he said with what sounded like real sadness. "As much as I'd love to, I'm being called. You know how to find me next time," he said, smiling much too sweetly for the prospect he was suggesting. Dirge kissed me again, accompanying the press of his lips with a pulse of fear before drawing away, rising to his full thirty foot height and turning away, walking to the hole he'd torn in the trees. He gave me one last look before leaving.

"Oh Primus," I whispered to the squirrels.

Tilting my head back, I stared at the fall colors and thought about Skywarp. I knew where he was… I could fly up there… Focusing, looking for that inner silence, I tried to feel him out like I had with Dirge. Nothing. Apparently I needed more practice, because that strong sense of knowing was completely absent without the fearmonger's help. Not even an inkling.

Heading up there and confronting the black and purple Seeker was a bad idea, I already knew that. No matter how much I wanted to confront him, it wasn't worth it. He'd probably just tear my spark in two, and I didn't need any more rejection from him. Dirge had cemented my feeling of rejection… Not good enough, huh?

Despite the knowledge that I was about to do something that could get me killed, I went to the same hole in the trees Dirge had used and used to it to leave the forest, transforming into my unimposing Tweet and climbing against Earth's gravity with every intention of flying to the moon.

* * *

Flying outside of the atmosphere meant I could reach new speeds. My shape was less restricting, and my potential velocity was again maximized to its best. As far as space travel goes, the flight was short. I spent the trip trying again and again to home in on Skywarp, but I didn't catch anything until I'd crossed over two thirds of the distance.

Found him. It was a whisper, and it was exhausting to hang onto, but if I could manage it long enough I'd be able to find the Seeker without circling the moon like a fool.

_You're a fool to be doing this at all,_ my logic processor was droning in the back of my mind. _Nothing he has done since the kidnapping had implied he won't capture or kill you!_

I ignored it, as well as the growing feeling that I was indeed about to get myself slagged. I had to have this last chance, to face the mech who'd given me so much hope and let it go to hell. I wanted to let him know just what I thought of him.

He saw me coming. He was sitting amid a row of huge structures on the bright side of the moon, but he stood as I landed. His impassive expression grew dark and angry and I approached him. Planting my hand flat against his side, I began my tirade.

_Not good enough, huh? You know, I never would've thought I'd trust _Dirge_ more than you, but it's happened._

_ Welcome to him,_ Skywarp snarled. I could tell he wanted to slap me away but then we couldn't argue, and he seemed to want to scream out his anger as badly as I did. _I don't know why I expected anything better, you're well suited to that traitorous coward!_

How did he know about Mirage? Didn't matter! _Oh that's rich, coming from the mech who broke his treaty to the Autobots!_

_ And you broke your promise! _Skywarp was started to look like Starscream did when he was angry, like he might lose it.

_I didn't do _anything_ you hadn't done already! You're nothing, Skywarp! You're not what I thought you were, and you're nothing to me!_

He hit me. Not as hard as he could've, but in the low gravity it sent my flying a good distance before I hit the fine dirt and tumbled to a stop, covered in gray powder. I looked up to see he was approaching me. Standing, I extended my knives.

The tussle that followed should have scared me, should have made me want to run, but it didn't. The short lesson with Blurr was running through my head at lightning speed, and somehow I was able to keep up with Skywarp's grabs and slashes and even a couple of gunshots. He was trying to kill me, and you know, I didn't want it any other way. Finally, my feelings were solidifying, an outlet giving me purpose. I was covered in dirt before falling to the dirt repeatedly to avoid his blows and his hand were covered in his own energon from the slashes I'd sneak in when I could. I slid in as he gave a slight recoil from a gunshot that was meant for my chest and stabbed my knives under his plating, earning a silent roar. My smile only made his anger worse.

We danced in the bright light, swirls and swaths of soft dirt rising and falling around us. I was standing my ground only by the grace that I wasn't as angry and unfocused as he was, his extreme anger tipping from an advantage to a drawback. It meant that if he caught me I was a goner, but first he had to catch me.

When he finally did hook his claw in a seam, throwing my feet out as I tried to move, he threw me to the ground, stunning me, then lifted me up by the wings with both hands.

_You betrayed me,_ Skywarp said, his voice smoldering with the rage burning behind his optics.

_I'm glad! _I screamed silently. _You were a mistake! You were never worth forever, never worth that promise! You broke yours! You didn't catch me when I was falling, Skywarp! You _threw_ me to the wolves!_

_ You did it to yourself, you idiot! But don't worry, I'll save you from future mistakes. _

I was about to retort when he started to pull my wings sideways. He was smiling at the inaudible shriek that exploded out of me, but he didn't completely remove my wings. He twisted them at odd angles and threw me back to the dirt in a slow spatter of bright energon.

Fighting the urge to curl into a fetal position, I slowly pushed myself to my knees and glared furiously up at the Seeker.

"**Just do it**," I mouthed at the vicious smile, using Cybertronian because it felt so impersonal now after speaking my native English so long. "**Kill me, you bastard. Show me what you really are, Decepticon! Prove me right!**"

The smile twitched, fell, then I saw a flash of supports, a burst of pain, and darkness.

* * *

Skywarp stared down at the unconscious femme. He'd broken one of her optics, and energon was leaking out of it and down her face like a fluorescent tear. The kick had thrown her onto her back and he considered leaving her there like that… but even if he hated what she'd done to him, had gotten a hideously satisfying rush from hurting her, he couldn't quite let go of his respect for the defiance in her stare. She had asked for death or worse without even a hint of fear. Using his supports he rolled her onto her stomach, off of her ragged wings. If she didn't die of energon loss she'd have a rough time getting home.

He would've taken a ragged intake, had there been any air. The Seeker was shaken, his anger fading and leaving him feeling flat and weak. This femme had stolen so much from him, a belief in something better not the least of it…

How could he have been such a fool, to think anyone could fill in the gaping hole Frequency left behind? She was dead, gone, and he could feel all the hope he had in the universe finally following her back to the grave.

* * *

I woke up to a fantastic view of moon dust. The dirt was stained dark blue and it took me a moment to realize it was my own energon. Pushing myself up, I tried to determine what kind of shape I was in.

One optic malfunctioning, possibly broken. Wings inoperable. Energon level low, remaining energy yellow-orange.

Groaning, I reached behind my back, flinching when my fingers brushed my shredded wings. They'd have to come off if I was going to get home. Steeling myself, I closed my hands around the base of one and awkwardly began to detach it. It hurt like the pit, but it wasn't the worst I'd ever felt. I could handle it.

It wasn't until I'd removed the second wing that I let myself give a little shudder. I'd be damn near critical by the time I got home, since I planned on hauling aft home as fast as possible. I just had to get home and I'd be fine.

Wasting time here, so near Decepticon facilities, seemed like a bad idea. Opening the blue prints of the T-37, I ordered the wings regenerated. I knew it would sap my energon level, not just my energy, so I wasn't surprised at the lightheaded sensation that came when it was done. It was just like my first time walking in gravity at my full height, just before I met Devcon. It would feel better in zero-g…

I almost blacked out a couple of times flying home, but I managed to focus. Hitting the atmosphere jolted me back to true awareness, but luckily my guidance system had me on the right track to enter safely and land near the city.

Wasn't prepared for my lack of thrust, my inability to slow my fall significantly. Tried hailing the City, got something back about Breakaway coming, but hit the ground before he got there. It was awful, didn't kill me. Actually got up and walked a few dozen feet before collapsing again.

* * *

Yeah, big big chap. I just couldn't shake this plot long enough to do OE, but I will soon. Once we get to Sam's dilemma in OE I'll be entertained again. Do ya'll prefer shorter chapters, or big ol' 10-11k beasts like this one?


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING YOU ARE READING A SHAMELESS MARY SUE

^^ I'm tempted to place this over all my chapters. Maybe when i do the fabled Big Edit.

All Is Full of Love by Bjork fits now... Among so many other songs that I've been musing over since I last updated. I've been busy, ya'll! Just not busy enough to stress, screech 'fuggitall!' and write something. I tried to update a few days ago and got error messages. Obviously working now. I've been snowed in the last coupla days, so if this smacks of stir crazy... i don't care., so… here ya go. Sorry it's not OE, I'm just such a Raj fan these days… And apparently a Dirge fan. Whodathunkit.

Watch Caprica. Is gots robots! *sings*

* * *

"_It be like your spark, pulled apart… Burnin'. Didn't know dey would make Coil do it too. He didn't be wantin' it, he died. Now, I be all alone wit' dese crazy slaggers. It be all your fault, femme."_

"I'm sorry, Boomer," I mumbled.

_"Pretty place, yeah. Pretty organic tings, learn de new alt mode… But de sparkache, it never goes. It be a part of me like he should be."_

"I didn't know," I whispered. "If I had known, I never would have-"

_"When dey change youse, I hope it kills youse."_

"I do too," I whimpered, starting to cry.

"Hold on, Bravura," a compassionate voice said firmly from overhead.

Gasping, I mentally stiffened, though I couldn't seem to move. I couldn't see anything but Predaca in my mind's eye. Boomer, now much shorter than me, was on top of a scaffold installing a solar panel in the side of a sort of town hall that Divebomb wanted to use to try and bring the mechs together more often. To try and stave off the wild madness they all experienced if they stayed in their alt modes too long.

"I put you in a partial stasis to spare you the optic replacement, but your memory core must've booted. You're watching a memory, Bravura. It's not real. As soon as I finish the connections in your new optic I'll let you activate fully. Are you in pain?"

It was hard for me to believe I was watching a memory, but it became obvious that he was right when I tried to turn and look around but couldn't.

There was no pain from whatever he was doing in my optic, and I told him so. He'd shut down most of my system, I was like a stroke patient. The world was incomplete and nonsensical, I could see but couldn't comprehend. My memories, unbidden and unwelcome, were more real than the blurry things I imagined I could just make out passing over my good optic.

The Boomer in my memory refused to stop working, though he had to be fighting the most horrible feelings of helplessness and loneliness and anger. I felt for Boomer then, and I felt all the guilt of knowing I'd taken his sad life and multiplied the misery exponentially.

"I did horrible things out there," I told Ratchet. In my memory I was talking to Boomer, stuff about Primus and love and what great things he could do now, and it made me sick.

"Like what?" the invisible medic asked me.

"Bounty hunting. They all went to Predaca, and I bet all of them died but Boomer. His brother bond died, and now he has to live in a strange world and a strange body with crazy religious fanatics and his spark will probably never stop looking for Coil."

"You knew what Predaca did to them?"

"No. I had no idea what happened to them after we shot them."

"Then you can't feel guilty. Weren't they all Decepticons? How could you know what you were doing wasn't a good thing?"

"I should have known," I said. "I'm supposed to know things, Ratchet. Dirge told me."

"Dirge did this to you?"

"No, Skywarp did."

Ratchet didn't respond for a while. "I'm going to bring in Rodimus," he said, when I'd almost forgotten we'd been talking.

Boomer was gone now and I was flying, fast and powerful in my F-35. Sunstreaker joined me, golden and beautiful. It was easy to forget what a monster he'd been when my memories told me that he was kind and wise and forgiving. I knew better now.

"_The object of art is to give life a shape,_" _the golden flyer said, suddenly wading with me up a slow river. I struggled on the slick rocks, my metal feet finding little purchase, but Sunstreaker seemed to have no trouble._

"_What kind of shape?"_

"_More like what kind of life. Don't you see what your purpose is in the great plan? You can't begin to fulfill that purpose until you upgrade."_

"_What is my purpose?"_

"_To help Divebomb perfect our race. To produce a viable technorganic sparkling, to prove to the nonbelievers we aren't a dead end."_

"_What if we are?"_

_Water enveloped me when his light slap robbed me of my balance. I pushed myself out of the flow, looking at the tall yellow mech in surprise._

"_I'm sorry, I must not question His great plan," I whimpered. "Please forgive my stupidity."_

"_You are forgiven," Sunstorm said, offering me a hand and helping me up. "When you learn your place in the plan, I will not have to punish you."_

"Bravura?" my brother's voice interrupted.

"Hey Hot Rod," I said, still watching the yellow Predacon. He would seem attractive if I didn't already know how insane he was. Had been.

"Skywarp did this to you?"

"Yeah. We had a fight."

"Why? Why would he do this to you?"

"He's a dick," I answered irritably.

"When did you see Dirge?"

"Right before I got in the fight with Skywarp."

"How do you keep finding all of these Seekers, Bravura?"

"Tell you later," I said. My memories had shifted to another world entirely and I was arguing with Skywarp about being left behind, climbing onto the gurney and falling down against the wall. The look of love and pity, the way he came down to help me, made me want to die.

Ratchet let me out in a few hours, once he was sure the damage to my shoulders wouldn't hinder me. They were already healing on their own now that he'd realigned them. Skywarp had really fragged me up just by twisting my wings. My optic gave me some trouble at first, but between the two of us we sorted it out. Hot Rod went back to work when Ratchet started threatening him.

Mirage was waiting outside the repair bay, looking as baleful as I'd ever seen him, but somehow patient at the same time. The threatening expression disappeared when he practically leaped across the hall, hugging me tightly and yet gingerly. He curled one arm under my wings and another over the top of my shoulders and pressed his face to me. He released me quickly, abruptly, as if he was somehow embarrassed.

"Are you alright?"

"Good as new," I said, smiling despite how upset I still was.

"Rodimus said it was Skywarp," Mirage said, a bitter tinge to his carefully modulated voice.

"It was. I went looking for a fight, and I got one."

"He could have killed you!" His hands found mine and squeezed hard. The kind of unconscious strength that could've turned a human into paste was only vaguely uncomfortable to me.

"I'm alive," I reminded the Elite. "Stop worrying."

"What if he tries again?" Mirage demanded.

"He could've killed me, Raj. Instead he left me for dead, but he didn't finish me off."

"And you think that means he would do you the same favor again?"

I frowned. "I don't ever plan on seeing him again, Mirage."

The Elite's animated face froze, then he nodded. "Stands to reason."

"Uh huh." I tugged my hands free of Mirage's, but touched his arm and started to walk. He followed, so I let my hand fall to my side. "Looks like Ratchet helped me out on energon, but I could still use a cube."

"You've got to stop getting yourself into these jams, you know. You needed two infusions before Ratchet could get your lines to close."

"Huh?" I looked sideways at the blue mech. "My lines?"

"They were gushing energon from under your plates. They didn't reseal. From what Ratchet said while I was in there, when you rebuilt your wings it split a few of them laterally. You could've died where you stood."

That would explain why I'd lost focus so quickly. I'd been losing energon the whole time I'd been trying to come home. Maybe the cold or the low gravity had helped.

"When you were in there?" I asked numbly.

"I was the second transfusion. Rodimus was the first."

"He shouldn't have," I grumbled. "He's too busy as it is, he doesn't need to be tired on top of it."

"_Thank you, Mirage,_" the Elite said in a high tone. "You're welcome, Bravura," he responded in his regular speaking voice. "It was my pleasure."

Smiling apologetically, I touched the Elite's hand. "Thank you, Raj."

He smiled wryly at me, his optics bright.

"Oh, look at that," a female voice whispered as we crossed a hall.

Curia and Devcon were standing in the other hall. Devcon was holding Artemis in one arm, though she seemed to be trying to climb up to his shoulder.

I waved at the trio, but a combination of embarrassment and my true need for energon spurred me to keep going. Artemis and Curia waved back, both apparently pleased at the sight of me. I'd have to visit them later.

"I'm surprised you didn't take your hand back," Mirage said softly, his fingers twining through mine after we'd walked a few paces.

"Um," I eloquently muttered.

It sounded like he was smiling when he spoke again. "Have you used your new hologram much?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "It's way better than what I'm used to. I used it to stay with Sam the last few days."

"Really? You figured it out on your own?"

"Hound helped me. He's really nice."

Mirage nodded in the corner of my optic. "He's one of the few mechs who would work with me in the early days. I had so many solo missions just because nobody trusted me, but it never was an issue with him. Sometimes he was the only thing keeping me in the war at all."

"He said good things about you too," I said, looking over at Mirage and smiling.

We entered the rec. hall. It was close to noon, so there were plenty of humans milling around and lining up at one of the counters where someone was doling out food. Mirage followed me to the energon dispenser, so I got him a cube to before finding a table on the fringes of the huge room.

"Can I see what your hologram looks like?" Mirage asked once we sat down.

I already had my cube to my lips, so I nodded slightly while raising a finger to give myself a minute. When it was more than half drained, I put it down, smiling sheepishly at his playfully critical stare.

Throwing my generator on the table, I started up the protocol for the holoform I'd been using the last few days. My vision split and when I felt comfortable in the small body I turned to look up at Mirage.

"She's the female version of Rodimus's hologram," the Elite commented. "Pretty, but I thought you would've wanted to look like your old body."

"Do you really think any human is pretty, Raj?" I asked from her, crossing my soft arms over the stark white t-shirt.

"I've had some time to learn the standards, you know," Mirage huffed. He deposited his own generator on the table and started it up. I found myself looking up at a handsome tanned man with dark hair and the blazing blue eyes everybody, including me, was so fond of. He bent forward, inspecting my holoform before starting to pace around me.

"A white t-shirt and jeans. Come on, you can wear anything you want and you chose a t-shirt?"

"Hound thought it was fine." Shrugging, I looked over Mirage's hologram, in a white long sleeved dress shirt rolled to his elbows under a navy vest with dark tailored jeans, up to his real body. He was watching _my_ real body. Hurriedly dividing my focus, I lifted my optics to Mirage's. He smiled and I was shocked to discover that my holoform blushed. His holoform grinned too, so I couldn't help but laugh weakly.

"Not used to this," I said uncomfortably, reaching up and touching my hair self-consciously.

"You should get all kinds of human reactions from the holo-receiver," Mirage said from his human body. "You can sneeze, your stomach can growl, you can even cry if you want."

"I don't want to cry," I said, looking down. "That implies I'm upset, and I'm not upset, frag it." I felt tears welling in my optics… eyes, honest to God wet stuff about to spill down my cheeks, so I shut off the hologram immediately. I snatched the generator before it could hit the table, the wind ruffling his holoform's perfect hair.

Mirage shut his off too, not saying anything until he'd put it away. "I'm sorry, Vura."

"Don't be," I muttered. I felt in control again, no longer flushing with embarrassment or threatening tears. Making a mask of my face, I smiled at the Elite. "So you don't like the t-shirt? I'll make something nicer. Then we'll get some of the others and go run around town somewhere. It'll be fun."

"Are you sure?" the Elite asked. "It's… a lot harder to pretend to be happy as a human."

"Tell me about it," I said, not denying the part about pretending. "But if we can get Hot Rod out of work, between the two of you it'll be a great time. We could even invite the twins."

"I don't know if they have holo-receivers," Mirage said. "But if you want, I'll check Rodimus's schedule against mine. I bet if you plan on going back to DC for Sam I could get him to assign me as an escort, and then we could wait for his time off."

I nodded, smiling in relief. "Sounds good, Raj."

He smiled back, but it faded quickly. "You aren't afraid I'll ruin it for you?"

Shaking my head, I leaned back in my chair, dropping my voice so that it would be hard for anybody but him to hear me. "Seeing Sam, having so much time to think… Do you remember what it was like after I woke up?" He nodded, but I went on anyway. "I still don't know why you wanted to be my caretaker, but you were the best friend I had. Still my best friend." I smiled over at his cool blue optics, at his easy graceful posture. "It was so fun, Raj. You didn't care about what anybody thought when we played, it was like you let down all the walls for a little while. Even before that, when I was human, you were at least playful sometimes. But I come back, and they're all up all of the time."

"I spent six stellar cycles, over six _years_ worrying about you," Mirage said seriously.

"I know, I'm sorry… just… can we go back to where we were? When we could do anything together, when we could just play and goof off all day and not worry about anything extra? Just act like those years didn't happen?"

"How can you forget it?" He asked, leaning forward in a mirror image of me and getting so quiet that I barely heard him, even as close as I was. "I saw Rodimus the first time you were… the first time Dirge got you. He screamed, Vura. Afraid for his life, spark ripped out kinds of screams. Bots like him don't scream like that unless it's bad."

"I'm over what happened with Dirge," I said, looking down and trailing my finger in patterns on the tabletop. I hadn't realized it had hit Hot Rod that badly.

"I'm not," Mirage insisted.

"Well, I'll help you get over it too," I said, grinning at the irony even as my spark shuddered unpleasantly. "We're going back in time, and we're going to relearn how to play. Ok?"

"I can't say I understand, but if that's what you want, that's what we'll do."

Nodding, feeling vaguely satisfied even though I could feel a depression coming on, I snatched up my cube and drained it.

"I hope you don't mind, I'm going to go crash before I faceplant the table."

Mirage nodded. "Want me to walk you?"

"I'll be fine," I reassured him, standing. "When do you work?"

"I'm going to be out in a couple hours, until the morning."

"After you recharge we'll do something fun," I insisted.

"Sure, sweetheart."

He hadn't called me that in, well… years. I stood up and gave a tiny wave, then headed for my quarters. Well, Hot Rod's. Maybe it was time to consider getting my own room, if I was right about Sideswipe.

Or maybe not. As soon as I was in the quiet safety of the little room, the near-darkness… I felt painfully alone. I had to lay on my side because my wings hurt if I put weight on them on the unforgiving metal, and my replaced optic was having trouble adjusting in the dark.

Because I'd fought with Skywarp, and I'd lost. Of course I lost… but my inevitable failure didn't ease the pain of nearly dying at my old lover's hand.

"Why didn't you just kill me?" I managed to whisper. "Bastard. I don't need your pity. I don't want it."

* * *

It was a surprise when I woke up to Hot Rod's gentle hands lifting me, his body sliding against mine while his arms wrapped around me. I didn't remember even getting tired, coming close to recharge. I tucked one of his thick armored arms under mine and hugged it to my chest. He was the only one who knew how I felt.

"I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too."

He lifted his arm slightly when I gingerly rolled over, pressing my chest to his. My spark was twisting in short but frequent fits of pain. The nearness of his spark helped, but not enough.

"It's going to be ok," my brother whispered. "I'll always be right here."

"Thank you," I mumbled against his collar. His lips pressed again my helm, stroking along my back, and in the safety of his forgiving embrace I was able to drift away from the world I was growing to hate.

* * *

There was nowhere to go in the base that made me feel peaceful. The upper deck was constantly under guard, and even though I didn't mind Gears, the day watch, I didn't feel like company. I ended up staying in Hot Rod's quarters the whole morning, tweaking my holoform's clothes.

Mirage would laugh if he knew how much I was wracking my circuits to find a look I thought he'd approve of. I'd activated the hologram periodically to get a look at the clothes, but nothing fit my tastes. I put her in dozens of outfits from nothing but lingerie (not something I'd show Mirage, more out of curiosity than anything) to elaborate Victorian dresses, bonnets and all.

It wasn't until I went back to the white t-shirt and etched a black and purple Decepticon insignia inside her wrist that I got worked up. I stared at the little symbol on the fragile looking little wrist until I didn't know if I wanted to scream or cry, then I shut the hologram off and pressed my hands against my stiff metal face to muffle the whimpers I couldn't bite back.

* * *

I tracked Prowl down later that day. He was talking to some humans, nothing that looked particularly official, so I didn't mind walking up and using my imposing height to signal that I wanted to speak to the SIC.

"I'd like to go back to the Trion," I said before Prowl could ask.

"You just got back, Bravura, and I doubt Ratchet would approve of a long flight after your fight with Skywarp." He caught my flinch and frowned.

"It's the best thing for me, really," I reasoned. "I have nothing to do here, but at least in DC I can watch over Sam and keep Bumblebee company." Not to mention the Trion mechs were much more fond of group recreational activities than the ones in the City.

"You're at risk crossing the country alone."

I groaned and crossed my arms, glaring up at Prowl's impassive gaze. "I'm a big femme, Prowl. What happened was my fault, and it's not going to see a repeat performance. But… maybe…" Mirage had offered to try and be my escort. "What if someone went with me to DC? Would you let me then?"

"You act as if we can all just drop everything to follow you around at your beck and call." Prowl started to walk down the hall, so I trotted after him.

"Well, really, what's been going on since the attack? Nothing. You've just about cleaned up and rebuilt everything, and they haven't been making any bold moves. You can spare one mech. You know I'll just fly off alone if you don't let me."

Prowl actually smiled a little. "True enough. Whom did you have in mind?"

"Mirage."

He looked at me skeptically. "Why Mirage in particular?"

"He was my caretaker when I was small, so… Just feels right, I guess."

Prowl made a small sound, then shrugged. "So long as you don't take him for too long, I don't see a problem. Talk to Rodimus."

"Thanks, Prowl," I said, grinning. I knew the SIC appreciated having a say, though I could've gone straight to my brother and bypassed his approval. I'd been getting in enough trouble, though, and it didn't hurt to get on Prowl's good side.

* * *

"Missy!" I exclaimed, leaping to my feet. I was watching TV with a few soldiers when Curia and Artemis came to the rec. hall.

"Bravura, hello!" Curia chimed, meeting me halfway. "I've been wanting to thank you all this time, for going with Artemis… she said you stayed with her the whole time, but not in so many words."

I shrugged, smiling. "What else was I supposed to do? She's like a sister, or a niece. Like family."

"I think she feels the same way," Curia said, touching my shoulder. "So do I. I'm glad we have you." Artemis stretched towards me, so Curia let me take her. The little sparkling clambered up my chest until she could hug my neck tightly, then crawled to my shoulder and perched as if she belonged there. Curia went to the energon dispenser, so I picked a table to wait for her.

She sat down with us and sipped thoughtfully from her cube before looking up at me. "Skywarp hurt you?"

I stiffened, alerting Artemis to my state of mind. She leaned over me, peering at my blank expression and patting my helm.

"Yeah, but I was asking for it."

"It's really over, then?"

"Ye-ah." My voice cracked and I looked down awkwardly.

"You and Mirage have been close ever since you became Cybertronian, haven't you?"

"Yes," I said, trying to conceal my irritation. Artemis's grip on my helm slipped and she fell forward, so I caught her and lowered her to my lap, where she stood and immediately began to try and climb up me again.

"You act like a flyer," I muttered. "Can't get high enough."

"Mirage really seems to care about you."

"We care about each other," I grumbled, giving Artemis my hand to lever off of on her journey up my chest. "As friends." At least… that was what we'd agreed, anyway.

Curia nodded, smiled, and changed the subject.

* * *

Asking around, I learned that Raj had been back about five hours, so he was probably still recharging. I was tempted to barge on in him, since he'd given me his room codes when I was small, but I doubted me attacking him on his berth would be received the same way it had when I was only ten feet tall. Instead, I went to the upper deck where Gears was standing at ease, obviously somewhere on the internet.

"Hey Gears," I called as I went to the hole in the mesa, which had been reinforced but not closed off. Apparently it was to be a new hangar entrance. The door to the stairs showed signs of construction, so they would probably put safety precautions there. "I'm going to fly a few hours."

He looked at me vaguely and nodded, almost immediately going back to whatever he'd been doing. I was glad; if Ratchet knew I was already flying, he'd bash us both to bits.

Despite the ache of wind and gravity on my wings, it felt good to be aloft. Cleansing, revitalizing. And yet, now that I was free and clear of the ground… I wanted _something_. To go somewhere. See someone.

My groan was stolen by the ripping wind and my engine noise. My spark was looking for Dirge. Even after all this time, it still remembered him. How could it? Why would it? Why did my… my gift… keep pulling me to Dirge?

But as I thought, my wing dipped seemingly of it own accord, and I began to fly east.

I circled for hours, just following my instincts. They seemed to be telling me to wait, since Dirge apparently hadn't gotten the memo. It caught be by surprise when the Seeker met me at the state border. The Seeker came from a much higher altitude, so high that I suspected he'd been outside the atmosphere. I descended on a fairly smooth looking hillside with a gentle slope, all covered in medium-length dead grass. He landed shortly after, about thirty feet away. Stared at me.

"Hi," I said, dropping to the dirt. I felt my learned helplessness kicking in. Now that I was with Dirge, I was out of control of the situation. He could do anything he wanted and get away with it.

"Hello," he said cautiously, approaching me. He settled down near me, his great weight easy to feel through the earth.

"I don't know why I'm here," I admitted without preamble.

"Neither do I," he responded.

Sighing, I leaned back against the hillside. The grass cushioned me somewhat, making the position tolerable. I stared up the pale blue sky for a long time before I thought of anything else to say.

"What happened to the other flyers? The ones you had with you at first?"

Dirge didn't answer for a while, but when he did his voice was quiet, beautiful. Comforting. "I didn't tell them where I went. They can't find, so they're probably still working for Divebomb."

I stretched out on the dead dry grass, partially aware that I was putting myself in a weak position, should Dirge decide to turn on me. I didn't really suspect him of anything, though. I didn't feel like I should be afraid, though I couldn't shake my constant unease around him.

"Why did you really look for me?" Dirge asked after a strong gust of wind.

"No idea," I answered honestly. "I just felt like I should look for you. And I know to listen, now."

There was a smile in his voice when he spoke again. "You've been practicing?"

"Not much. It's harder without you to help. Makes me tired."

Dirge turned his head to me, his red optics' glow pale in the whitewashing sun. "You're not very strong in it," he said honestly. "Though practice will help some. I wanted to see you too… and I really don't know why, either."

It was amazing that I felt so relatively safe here, next to Dirge. He was everything I ought to fear, my rapist and my kidnapper. And yet… here I was, in his company after deliberately seeking him out. And he wasn't hurting me.

"Not just wanting to frag?" I asked tentatively.

"The thought occurred," he said casually, "but you obviously know what I really mean."

"Yeah," I sighed, turning onto my side to stare at the Seeker, so like Skywarp and so different. "I just don't get it."

He sighed heavily and stretched slightly, his arm brushing my front as he brought it back down. My spark tingled at the touch, and he looked back over at me.

"Maybe that's why," he said. "We're… pre-bonded, I guess you'd call it. Never heard of that happening, though."

"You felt it too?" I asked. "It's from… before?"

"Probably."

I sighed heavily and flopped onto my back again, wincing at the ache in my shoulders. "I've had enough of crossing the line for the enemy. It can't ever be anything, Dirge. I don't love you. I don't even know if I like you."

He reached up and let his long clawed fingers run over my stomach, which was mostly smooth with glass and plating. My spark stirred again, but I sat up and pushed his hand away.

"Stop it," I growled. "I was in love with one of your kind already, and he just about killed me. I wished he had killed me!"

Dirge stayed on his back, his optics steady on me. "You went for him after I left you in the forest."

"Of course I did!" I yelled, throwing my hands up a moment. "And I fought him. He ripped off my wings and broke my optic and left me on the moon. Apparently I almost died. I'm always on the brink for him, because of him! And I'm not about to do it again for a mech whose only saving grace is that our sparks got a taste for each other while he _raped me!_" I stared at Dirge, at the sympathy he shouldn't be wearing. My body slowly crumpled and I hunched, glaring down at my legs on the crunchy grass and shuddering a suppressed sob.

He sat up and put an arm around me. I growled threateningly, trying to mimic Skywarp's boulder-growl and immediately regretting it. My threat cut off abruptly and Dirge shifted closer, stroking my face, which was dwarfed in his big hands. Just the way it had been with Warp.

"Primus," I whispered, half in prayer and half in vain. I leaned against Dirge guiltily, and he stroked my arm.

"You know why they call me Dirge?" the Seeker asked quietly. When I shook my head slightly against his side, he continued. "Before I realized I could project and control fear, I radiated sorrow. Sadness. When I was young, every time I was sad everyone near me felt it. And I was often sad. Nobody wanted to befriend a mech who gave off misery all the time, and the few friends I made never lasted. Never. So it only got worse. One of my creators died when I was still young, and I projected so far they felt it all across the city. A dirge, they said, for my creator. It wasn't long until that's how everyone knew me."

"When did you learn about the fear?" I asked weakly.

"When my other creator died. I was a youngling, but she was strong. Bigger than you, fast as anything, and she knew it. A couple of massive groundpounders came up out of the bowels of Cybertron on some terrorist mission. This was long before the war… One cornered me where I couldn't fly away, and I thought I was dead. I was terrified, but next thing I knew she was there, and she killed him. Then she died right there on the ground in front of me, because he got her, but she said she'd known I needed her because she'd felt how scared I was. Later… found out the whole city knew, again. It was how they responded so fast, took down the other terrorist before he could do much. I warned them. But she was dead already, and I started down the path that took me to Thrust and Ramjet and the Decepticons."

"Sorry, Dirge," I whispered.

"Don't be. Everyone's alone when you boil it right down," Dirge said quietly, and nodded my agreement.

"Why don't you ever project sadness now?" I asked innocently. In response, I was suddenly overcome with intense despair, familiar to me in the last week. "Ok, I get it," I whimpered. The sadness faded, but not completely. My own sorrow remained intact.

"Fear elicits a more immediate response. I'd drown you in sorrow if I wanted to break you slowly. Sadness and fear seem to be related," he said over me. "You'd think fear and anger would be closer, but… I guess not."

_Bravura, where are you?_ my brother called on our link. _Mirage is looking for you, and now Gears is saying you left hours ago._

"Guess not," I whispered in agreement. "Look, Dirge… thanks for the company, but I'm missed at the City."

His grip tightened on me, as if he was going to tell me I couldn't go, but then he released me without a word.

_On my way back now, bro. Should be a half hour, maybe less._

_ What were you doing? You seemed ok, until just a minute ago._

_ Just thinking._

I stood up, and Dirge followed. "I'll… see you later, Dirge," I said hesitantly, blowing out air in a rush of relief that my instincts hadn't led me into disaster. That Dirge hadn't harmed me. He just watched me, frowning slightly, so I turned and leapt into the air, transforming into the Tweet and swooping away. Somehow I felt a lot better for having seen him, but something he'd said itched at the back of my mind.

_I'd drown you in sorrow if I wanted to break you slowly._ Did that mean that all my wallowing was breaking me? All those timed I'd snapped that I wasn't broken, back when I was physically infirm… was I going to start cracking under the surface?

* * *

Thundercracker looked on in bitter disapproval as Skywarp lifted the oil rigger, raising the wriggling human to his optics, all dark with fury.

"This is all she was," Skywarp snarled, snapping the human around as he turned to his brother. "She was supposed to be a pet, a little plaything until I got bored. And she went and changed, but she never stopped being this _thing_ on the inside!"

The human's shrieking hit a new high when Skywarp flung him into the other fleeing humans, striking several and grinning at his good aim.

"You loved her," Thundercracker said. "How can you believe Dirge so easily?"

"She came and admitted it," Skywarp snapped, hefting a small dirt mover and flinging it at another patch of humanity, crushing them.

Thundercracker frowned. He hadn't lifted a finger, simply let Skywarp take out his rage. He could see a side of the mech coming out that he hadn't since Starscream killed Frequency. It was like the old Skywarp was coming back out of the Pit, and the betrayed Seeker planned on sending plenty back from whence he came.

"To think I let myself look bad to Megatron for _her!_ Well, not anymore! I'm going to kill every Autobot I see, and I'm taking every drop of energy I can from this ugly stinking mudball!" The black and purple Seeker shot the humans' truck before they could escape, setting it off in a bloom of fire and smoke.

Thundercracker sighed and lowered the energy converter parts from his shoulders to begin the process of stealing oil

* * *

Dirge and Brav are always looking for each other for a reason... If you can guess, I geev you a cookiez. I wrangled some days off from work, so maybe I'll update OE soon. Yay?


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